Friday, October 29, 2010

The Invisible Key

Maybe I was creating my own imaginary giant along my path. Maybe I put a giant statue I got from Easter island to cross the road I chose to take. Maybe I chopped the tree in the jungle just to block my way to get out of it. Who knows right? Maybe I was finding my own excuse not to do well, maybe I was too busy doing unnecessary things until I forgot what the whole point of going to the university is. There are a lot of maybes. A lot of excuses we can create in life. But excuses we made are only to be followed by 'what if'.

'What if I took the semester seriously?'

'What if I concentrate in class, took notes, ask a gazillion questions to the lecturers?'

'What if I explore the extraordinary ideas I have in mind than to keep it shut and rot?'

'What if I go find books and play with other people's ideas and turn it to my own?'


'What if I work hard?'

All of the questions might get answers. But the answers are all regrets. How do we take regrets is a different thing.

I want to quote Sue Sylvester from Glee, she said something like this; there's no different in hearing people cheering in the stadium or get teased in the crowd. They're just making noises. How you take it is important.

My point is, whatever the situation is, either you failed yourself, or you pushed the limits and get the stars, it is up to you to go on and on. Some people who get things right will never stay right. Sometimes to went left and down the hierarchy, back to being poor again. Some people failed so many times but yet at the end they rise up to the top being crowned the King.

We heard stories, maybe from our parents, and teachers, or probably in some flyers, of the internet; stories about successful people and how it motivates us to succeed. Somehow the stories of genius people who actually develop and atomic bomb inspire us to be a scientist? Or perhaps stories of a very brave man saving a little kid trapped in a fire inspire us to be fireman? Or maybe having a mother with cancer inspire us to be a doctor? But does it reflect who we truly are? Are we being somebody because of somebody else? Are the external factor involved in making who we are?

My second point is that, if we want to be something, we need to choose to be that something. We can't just want to be something, but never choose it. It's like, oh yeah, I want to read Harry Potter, but I choose not to(but of course I read Harry Potter. This is just an example!).

I didn't mean to judge or criticize anybody. This is purely and innocent thoughts. I respect those who have made their choices, and never regret their choices. But to those who felt down of the choices they make, this is not the end of the road. There is no giant statue, or fallen trees, or a giant on your way, they're just something you make up. That is to me, something I make up by myself in my head. It is normal for people to bend down on their knees, succumb to failure. But getting back to the feet, even a little is called improvement. I heard a lot about improvement. They said the biggest room their is, is the room for improvement. Take it or leave it. But it's always there, getting ready to be open by you. Yes you. I might as well open mine.

That's it people.

The key is in your hand. Invisible from your very sight. But twist your mind to see it. :D

Monday, October 25, 2010

Motivation And Desire

I reflect myself now and then, every hour, choosing what kind of person I wanted to be. To me motivation is just an external factor which will help you only a little, but desire is the best to reach the destination. People or posters or talks or seminars can motivate you to do, but shut them down form your mind, can you do it? But desire, desire is a powerful tool. Desire not all are bad. Yes true some stumble because of desire, some wanted too succeed, but when desire controls them, to achieve success they'll do whatever it takes to achieve it, regardless of the methods; good or evil way. However, if we have control over our desire, sure we can achieve what we want, who we wanted to be in a good way.

Do I get the motivation? Yes I do. When I watch inspirational movies, I feel so good, so energetic, so enthusiastic like I can turn the world upside down if I wanted too. But a few minutes after the movie is over, I'm already transpired. Motivation gone. Do I have the desire? Desire for what? I have the desire to succeed in my field, but to tell you the truth, my desire too succeed is not enough to make me wanted to put effort to it. So, what's the solution? Is there any solution to this? Some kind of medication, like medication given to people with ADHD to let them more focus even for a while?

It's not that I don't know the answer to this. Of course I damn well know the answer. Go back to God. Go back to Allah, pray hard, pray for Him to instill the burning passion to succeed, pray for Him to straighten the path ahead, pray for Him to make life easier. And the rest is upon me.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Friday The.......

I've done my part presenting my work. Not entirely finished but all my drawings are there. Only not fully coloured. I am rather disappointed. I was fast at the beginning of the process, but my momentum slowed down towards the end. I thought I can finish all my drawings by Sunday last week, but being me I like to procrastinate. I'm not proud of it guys, so don't-no, never procrastinate. And as for me, try not to procrastinate.

My presentation was very weak, I prepared nothing aside from the drawings, which is not really good. If only I could have done better at verbal, at explaining and defending my idea, maybe I would feel a little bit satisfied. But I guess my eyes were too heave, my brain couldn't think straight, and my body was weak out of hunger, that effects my performance. I always get ready before my presentation, with papers or book in my hand, but this time, no. Definitely empty hand except for a pen in my hand, and my voice was shaking for a bit. And when asked by the lecturer, I was being humble, pushing the urge to strike back and listen to what he says. Well, sometimes being the first to present has its ups. Mine was only one lecturer evaluating me. I'm not saying it's good. In fact, the more lecturer there is the more 'input' you get from them or, you know, got bombarded. Either way, I like it only one lecturer evaluating.

Tomorrow's gonna be another presentation. I don't really like this one. 'Don't really like' is an understatement. I hate this one. We call it 'leaders**t'. Yeah, it was Leadership and Management classes assignment. No one like it I guess. Especially us. Being squeezing time with project and replacement classes and that assignment, which most of us took lightly, it drives me mad sometimes. But nevertheless, I don't want to fail for a 0.5 credit-hour class.

So, I'm gonna go watch six more presentation.

See ya.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

A Walk In The Park

I would have gone to Paris, or London right away if I were in movies. Or I would have just walk in the park alone, seating at a bench somewhere overlooking a green lawn open to running kids, and parents watching them happily on a square blanket. I would have laugh seeing them stumble upon their own feet and cry, and then the parents came and calmed them. I would have seen some old married couple walked hand in hand, though slowly, but that is history in the making for them. I would have gotten some soccer ball accidentally kicked towards me, and I kicked it back to them and heard a very faint 'thank you'. I could have stroll along the lake, see a few man on the bikes, a few adult women who are trying to lose weight jogged and I greeted them. Maybe saw a man rushed and looked at his watch over and over again and whispered I'm late, I'm late all the way.

I would have been very glad to see that. Maybe took my mind off things like work, like drawings. Not that I'm telling drawing is stressful, no, not at all. But doing work is stressful at some point. And since I can't go anywhere but stayed in the studio all the time. I write it out, I write my vision of what I wanted to see to calm myself down from all the work.

I always picture myself walking alone in the park.

I don't know exactly why a park. Not the beach, not the shopping mall. But the park. Maybe even my subconscious feeling leans toward being a landscape architect. And I hope I made it.

What do you picture when you got stressed out?

Attention Studiomates!

Only three days left, than it's final presentation for the third project a.k.a final project for the semester. My progress is a bit slow, I have a few more drawings to complete, then it is all about colouring, which I am not very fond of. I'm not a good colourer( there a word for this?).

Seeing my friends work really hard, it makes me feel good, if they work hard, I'm gonna work harder. Thanks guys, you're my inspiration.

This is just a quick update. Just felt like saying a few updates.

And yes, to my studiomates, there will be no day classes on Wednesday, but we have one at night, and one more Friday night this week and Monday night next week. It's Planting Design classes and please prepare assignment 3 progress for part 1 and part 2. Attendance is compulsory. :D

Good Luck.

Monday, October 18, 2010

IMY Mom, Dad

I am speaking as a child again for tonight. In this post. Final presentation is coming up, the atmosphere is getting tense. I find it difficult, hard to live in. And I just wish I have someone by my side so I can hold their hands, so I can hug them and let them whisper to me, 'Everything's going to be fine'.

I imagines, if my young life hasn't been spent mostly away from my parents, maybe my life would turn a bit differently. I was 13. I know nothing of living away from my parents. Even when I was 12 my mom do all the things for me, iron my shirt for school, and if I was not force to stay at my school's dormitory, my mom would have comb my hair till then(I was wearing songkok that year because I don't exactly know how to comb my hair, true story :D).

Maybe I missed a lot of things. A lot of kids would have been more happy to be spending their lives with their parents at younger years, and when they cried, there will be someone to pat their back, tell them everything is going to be alright, and if they got out with mischief, they should be ashamed(or not, depends on what kind of parents they have, and no, I'm not being judgmental, but yeah sometimes things go that way). Okay, I was 13 when I went to a boarding school, I thought I would be happy. I was clearly wrong(though I had some fun there, makes some friends, but I do think about my family a lot).

I faced difficulties most of the times in my five years of secondary school. I do miss my mom asking me, 'Is your homework done? I wanna see it'. I wished she would ask me for my exam papers and checked how much I get, what question I answered wrong, and do I know the answers now. I wished that I could see my dad's face when I told them I got A for science. But I don't. I don't have that opportunity as a kid, and I don't have the opportunity to do it now. I'm bigger now. Almost an adult(almost okay). But my longing to be treated like a child from my parents is still what I hope for. Sometimes I just wanted to call them, and then cry hard like a baby wishing they would support me, and encourage me to do my best, the best I can. But I can't. I just can't.

I know a lot of you have very strong bonds with your parents. I adore you for that. That is what I want. I do hug my parents, everytime when I will be going away for a long time. I kiss their hands and hug them and tell them it won't be long, and after a few month I'll be back. That is all I can do.

Please value your parents.

Saturday, October 9, 2010


Sometimes, or most of the times, you feel lonely. You feel like living alone, although you have people around you. You say you need someone else. Someone, who you sought after for a bit of care and love(as if parents are not enough). It's normal. You need a partner. And what you need to accompany your partnership is a storyline, a storyline so romantic you feel like you're in a movie. You want to sit under a big tree, the bright sun streaming down while you play under the shadow. The leaves of the tree fall sometimes when the wind blew. Oh man, I'm just imagining it for myself I guess.

Sometimes I wanted my life to be choreographed.

With a script ready in my mind, just waiting for the pre-arranged timing then I said it, act it out.

Then the director compliment me, he said I did awesome and said it felt so real.

Picture perfect. Awesome lightings. Nice background scene, maybe during fall in London, or spring in somewhere in Ireland.

I just wish someday I can show my romantic appeal, to 'the chosen one'. The side most people didn't know I have(let alone see it! hahaha)

But life, as much as you plan it. Even if you planned everything from your birth day to your death, it isn't going to be exactly like you want. Some lives are short, while others are long. I considered 20 years is long(I'm 20). And when I reminisce of my past, I've change so much. So much I felt like a totally different person. My present is a total stranger to my past. Back to my point, you can plan; but God is forever in power.

When I was a kid, I never knew someday I'm gonna take Landscape Architecture, when my teacher asked what is my ambition, I said, doctor, teacher, fireman, prime minister, some of those stuff, when I get older, into secondary school, I told myself I'm gonna be a pathologist, a coroner, a lecturer then a film director, and I end up choosing to be in the design world.

I didn't regret my choice.

What's your choice?

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

There's A Way To Be Good Again

'There's a way to be good again'.

I have read 'The Kite Runner' by Khaled Hosseini. The book was splendid. The line above was my favourite part of the book. Rahim Khan said that to Amir in a letter he sent to the latter. I never thought Rahim Khan would have that powerful line because he was not much of a told character in the book, to me he was just Amir father's good friend. But then, he was the one who said to Amir, 'there's a way to be good again'.

I believe in it.
I believe there is a way to be good again.
Right now I'm dead inside.
I know the exact path I should take.
I know what to avoid.
I know what I need.
I know what I have to do.
But then again,
I'm not exactly sure when to hit the 'START' button.
When to set my car gear to 'DRIVE'.
When to running, even after the gun shot.
When to start jumping into the pool, even after the whistle blow.
When to smile, even after the photographer counted to three.

Some people blame on fate. Blame on God because they say He set it that way. But I don't. I know everything happens for a reason, and I can change my fate IF I wanted to. The question is not whether I want it or not, but how much I want it. Everyone has a big opportunity to be good. Everyone. From a murderer who may have murdered a hundred lives, to a little boy who may have wrote 'I hate you' to a friend; everyone has the space to do good.

Do good.

Now And Then

Actually, I have a lot of swear words in my mind right now, buzzing inside my head, trying to get out from my mouth. But up till now, I still manage to hold it inside, trying to push it far far away. If possible, in the dumpster where it belongs. Than some unlucky people will be fortunate not to hear me cursing. I have no intention to right it here as well, so, this post is still readable even for kids. :D

It's been a long week last week, and this week will be just the same. I still have the passion to be a landscape architect(and oh I will be!). But I might have, just a little tiny bit of dislike of going to the studio(especially during studio hours). I'm not saying that I will never go to the studio after this, it's just that maybe going to the studio is not as much fun as it was before.

I see everyone was tense. And tense right now is different from before. Last semester even when we were very tense, had a lot of work to do, but we manage to put up a smile, cracked-up with a few jokes, took pictures of us doing stupid things. But now it was all gone. It's like a sad winter. Cold and blank. No merriness. Just dense tense.

I don't know if it happens to the others, but from what I saw, yes, it's gone. I don't know if ever we're gonna find the happiness we felt last semester again afterwards. I just hope that for the next semester, we will get back what we have lost; the joy, the fun of doing work.

Till then.

Cheers(if you can, you're lucky so don't waste it).

I hope to be this happy again.

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