Saturday, September 24, 2011

Home And Ready To Roll

When I was on the train to Kempas Baru, Johor to visit-neyy, stay with brother for a while, there were so many things going on in my head. Of how my parents would react (especially this), how my brother would react, and worst, am I doing the right thing? I shake the latter off, I know I'm doing the right thing, I won't doubt myself anymore. That was just a small step, SMALL, but IMPORTANT first step. Alhamdulillah, my brother helped me through that moment, he spoke to my parents about it, my parents in turn were fine about it, they just thought I should have told them sooner, but still they fully support my decision. I'm really grateful for that. So now I have no reason to fail, or to back out, or to laze around. I have one year, and that one year I will make sure I'm on schedule, researching and writing at the same time.

So now I'm home, I'm really glad to be back. My cat had given birth to four beautiful kittens, I don't know how many boys, or girls (erk?) but I'm really happy anyway. Three orange-white, one black-white, really cute. I'm gonna take pictures tomorrow, their eyes were still closed. Home is always the best, now with internet connection it will help me a lot doing work.

So that's for now, I'm a little bit tired, will update you guys with more things really soon :) See ya! And thanks for reading!

Tuesday, September 13, 2011


InsyaAllah tomorrow I will be heading to Johor, I will stay with my brother for a while until I sort everything out, with him, with my parents and everything. This is my first step of revealing what am I up to, with the hope that they will understand. I'm suffering alone, and I've read a self-help note from the internet not to shut myself alone, and it's not good to keep too many things to myself. And it is not AT ALL GOOD TO NOT SHARE MY PROBLEMS TO OTHER PEOPLE WHEN I'M DEPRESS. Depression can lead to committing suicide. I've been there, attempting to end my life, it's true. But I was lucky to snapped out of the idea that committing suicide will solve everything.

It's been a long time I keep the idea to myself, I let some people I'm comfortable with know a little bit about it, which helped me a little, I thanked them so much, no matter how rude they can be! AHAHA, yeah, not all people are supportive of the idea of quitting school, it's not that I don't like it there (in UIA), I love my time there, I feel like I'm apart of something big especially when my friends are around. They're like my second family, but I can't tell them everything of course, being in a tough courses, everyone has their own problem. Shunned again there.

I just hope that tomorrow will go well. I hope my brother will understand of my drastic decision, I will explain to him of my intention, and of my plan, and I will try to help him a bit here and there, I don't care, whatever it takes to make him a little bit okay with me 'taking a break' from school. I'm prepared, I talk to him on the phone just now, he said it's fine, I can go. He asked why, but I told him I'll tell him tomorrow instead. I am prepared. And he didn't ask much too, so I'm a little bit relieved. I had a staring competition with my phone before I finally hit the 'call' button.

I just want him and everyone to know that, I am a little bit depress, I really am, and I'll let you know when I'm feeling fine. You can read my tweet or my comments on twitter and facebook and say 'he's looking fine' but now I'm letting you know that, I wasn't. You think I'm running away, I will say no, I'm not running away, I'm trying to sort out my problems one by one. You think I'm making a not-so-thought-of-decision, seriously, I've been thinking for five months, how long should I be thinking?

But what you should know is, I'll be fine, I will be, I promise you that. And to all my studiomates who read this, I miss you guys so much, I'm sorry I've been such a pain in the ass, an asshole, or whatever you wanted to call me, I really am from the bottom of my heart, I love you guys nonetheless, you guys do great okay! To all of you; Akram, Aideel, Kamal, Punch, Kim, Fatin, Ika, Am, Nana, Anis Fadhilah, Anis Fatihah, Eja, Arinah, Ami, Ummi, Kak T, Kak Mas, Kak Syatus, Kak Q, Maryam, Kekek and Tikashi; I miss you guys, I love you guys always. I will return someday. :)

Short Notes 2

Seriously, I'm depressed.

Of course I am. I feel like the world is conspiring against me.

I'm depressed.

Monday, September 12, 2011


I can't think of anywhere else; 'Home by Westlife'

Another summer day,
Has come and gone away,
In Paris and Rome,
I want to go home,
Maybe surrounded by,
A million people I,
Still feel all alone,
I just want to go home,
Oh I miss you, You know,
And I've been keeping all the letters,
That I wrote to you,
Each one a line or two,
I'm fine baby how are you,
Well I would send them but,
I know it's that it's just not enough,
The words were cold and flat,
And you deserve more, Than that,

Another aeroplane,
Another sunny place,
I'm lucky, I know,
But I want to go home,
I've got to go home,
Let me go home
I'm just to far,
From where you are,
I've got to come home,
Let me come home,
I've had my run,
Baby I'm done,
I want to come home,

And I feel just like,
I'm living,
Someone else's life,
It's like i just stepped outside,
When everything was going right,
And I no just why you could not come along with me,
'Cause this was not your dream,
But you always believed in me,
another winter day,
Has come and gone away,
In either Paris and Rome,
And I Want To Go Home,
I miss you, You know,

Let me go home,
I've had my run,
Baby I'm done,
I want to go home,
Let me go home,
It'll all be alright,
I'll be home tonight,
I'm coming back home.

Undisclosed 3.0

I really miss HOME,

I wanted to go back, but how do I tell them that?

My heart is not here,

My heart was left at home the moment I left the house.

Undisclosed 2.0

Where ever I am,

This is not a place I wanted to be at,

I want to go home,

There's only one home.

Sunday, September 11, 2011


I have to prove to myself I'm capable of living alone.

Where I am of what I do is not important. I might not be back to a place I once love, but now a place I want to stay away from. I missed my friends, of course I am, but I wont blame them if they didn't consider me as one back. I wronged them so much. But there will be a day I'll find all of them, and tell them how sorry I am.

This is for now.

But you can find me on twitter.

Saturday, September 10, 2011


I think I've said it many times here lately that, I have no intention of coming back to UIA. But still, I'm going away today, to Bintulu, and tomorrow to KL.

There are two reasons why I don't want to get on that flight tomorrow;

1) I really don't wanna go; and

2) It's 9/11 (read it the American way), you know, I'm WORRIED, extra extra worried.

So here's my version of Britney's 'I Wanna Go', with a little alteration

'I..I..Don't Wanna The Way...eeee...'


Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Different Sign

So today was kind of, interesting.

I won't say I don't believe in signs, some signs that only you could understand, something that makes you come to realization of a decision you want to make, something that make you ponder about other options before you make a decision. Let me make it simple, you want to drink something and couldn't figure out what, and there suddenly Coca-Cola ads came out and you know you want it, get it?

Well, today I think I've got that kind of 'sign'.

What happened?

My teacher, who happened to be my distant relative, has a husband who runs a plant nursery. So he got a job to do at MRSM Mukah. Usually his work were mostly planting trees, but the MRSM asked him to design a little green area in front of the school's entrance. He admitted designing wasn't his area of expertise, so after a lot of thinking, he arrived at one thing, ME. So my teacher came to me this morning asking if I want to do the job, I'm thinking I have two days before going to Bintulu, and later to KL, so why not, she said it wasn't that big so I said yes. You see the sign now (If you hadn't go back to my previous posts please)?

Of course I'd say yes, it was an opportunity I or anybody wouldn't want to miss, especially a landscape architecture student like me (ehem-ehem!). And I'll get paid too, so naturally I thought this is probably a one-time opportunity for me to, showcase my talent! AHAHAHA I'm not saying I'm excellent at it! Don't get me wrong.

In previous post I told you I've been thinking about quitting school and go work instead (because my big plans need a little start-up money, not that it needs much, but still...). So my option was to quit school, or to continue school. And as I weigh in my options, this kind of thing happened, out of nowhere. Just days before I might finally said to my parents 'I gave up doing this'.

I'm not saying that I'm 100% is going to stay in school because of this, but it made me stop and to weigh in more on the staying options. I want to say I had enough, but now I really don't know. It's not like I've made a concrete decision or anything, but this kind of thing sure makes the see-saw hang in balance, neither sides is up or down. No one wins, it's a tie. And this tied decision is NOT GOOD.

I know at the back of my mind, I already what's my decision is, but I can't make this decision alone. But the thing that holds me back now is, 'how are my parents going to react to what I have to say?' At this point, ignorance isn't as bliss, now I fear of what I don't know, fear of the endless possibilities there are.

So what now?

Tuesday, September 6, 2011


There was a poem I studied in secondary school, about the two roads to choose from. I can't remember the title of that poem.

I am at the crossroads of my life. There are options I have to choose from, one of the options would be my final decision. It's always hard to make a big decision in life, especially for yourself. But what kind of situation it is differs. A woman might find it easier to say 'Yes' to a proposal while another woman might hesitated. A guy might find it easier to move to another place for a job offer while another guy had to turn it down because he find it hard to move some place new, no matter how cool the job is.

And for me, it is all about my study. To continue, or to not continue it.


I am always passionate of the world of design, architecture and arts. Passionate to look at the architectural style of a building, I'm always intrigue by artistic expressions on canvas and other artworks, and I love to draw buildings, people, and sometimes fashion. I am passionate of that. But to me, it was relatively new. I didn't fall in love with architecture until I finish SPM, before the results were out that is. I have another passion I kept to myself, which is writing.

There are times in our lives we didn't realize what we're capable of. I was in a science school, I was taught to focus more on science subjects like physics, biology, and chemistry and also mathematics. Thank god I was doing exceptionally well in that field. I thought writing was mere hobby back then. I keep a journal as one of the English task, I wrote almost everything in it, my dreams, my experience. And I also read a lot, which really helped me to improve my English writing skills, speaking not so much though.

When I was 13, I wrote a novel which was actually meant to be read solely by myself because it was loosely written based on a true event about me. It was love triangle story I wrote in Malay. It was my first 'novel'. I wrote it in a large exercise books, of thirteen chapters if I'm not mistaken. I lost the book. And naturally people read it, I don't know how many people but I know there are a few of my seniors read that (because they found the book lying around in the cafeteria).

And time after time I wrote short stories, join a few competition in school (one time I got third place) and wrote a little more for myself (and obviously leaked again, found by a teacher). I didn't stop there though, I wrote outlines of novels I wanna write. And I've read a few Harry Potter books which inspires me a lot to write. But still, at that time I never thought to pursue a career in that direction, never did I thought of wanting to be a writer. At my graduation, I was proud to say I'm going to be a film director. Funny how thing goes, really.

And now I'm actually considering to be one, but I don't have any English diploma or degree to back me up.


I want to think writing is natural to me.

If this is my calling, then this is what I want to do. And I feel that, this is my true calling.

And that makes a reason to choose between to continue studying landscape architecture, or to not study landscape architecture. I don't want to be in the institution anymore, that's all I know. If I pick to continue, I will be affected, but others would still be pleasant. If I pick not to, I'll be happy, but I don't think the others would (the others here means my family and friends).

Seriously, I'm picking 'not to'.

I've ask a few friends about it. They wanted me to tell my parents the truth, of what I've been thinking.

I really wanted to do that, and really quick.

That will determine whether I'm boarding the plane this Sunday, or not.

I am at the crossroads of my life.

Monday, September 5, 2011


Assalamualaikum and hello!

Well, actually I didn't greet you with happy notes, so try reading that with a little bit of sadness.

Going back to school when I was in primary school was fun. I was kids back then, after the holidays my friends and I were all excited to show off new things, new shoes, new pencil cases, new erasers, a little bit sad that the holidays are over but only for a few minutes! After meeting my friends no more sad feelings we were laughing doing our usual fun stuff, make a few teachers got angry for not finishing homework, so what? As a kid I was a little carefree.

Secondary school was tough for me, it was far from home, I went back only at long holidays, usually twice a year during two semester breaks. I took a year to adjust myself being independent from my parents, it was pretty hard, it was a train-wreck back then. I don't know how to do almost anything, except studying, I don't know how to wash my clothes, I don't know how to comb my hair because back home it was all done by my mother. She comb my hair for God's sake! Only a year later I picked myself up a bit, get steadied and live my life a little. Made a few good friends, and stayed with a few during the weekends and short holidays, it was awesome. And during the holidays, of course after spending a long time away from home, going back to school was not my joyous moment. I don't miss school, but I do miss my friends.

And now university life, I don't know why, but I don't think I'm up for it. I know there are a lot of pressure put on me, a lot of expectation from people around me, and I know I should have set the best example in my family so that my little siblings and cousins can be motivated. but now I'm thinking as if I'm doing this for them and none for myself. The worst thing is, I don't know how to tell them that. How to tell them don't expect too much from me, don't think I succeed in high school and gonna continue to succeed elsewhere. I don't know how to tell them if i hit rock bottom again. I never told them about my first years of high school. I just think that bad news are not worth it to break to them if that would only make them worried. And I always think that they are going to be worried.

Up till now, I don't share much of my problems with them, I only told a few of my friends who would listen. And I don't expect them to understand either, I just need a someone to talk to and then I came back to my usual self. Secretive.

There was a time I have a big dream.

We all have right?

There are things that I was passionate about in the past, that turn out to be a killing machine to me. I wanted to let it go. But I don't know the right way to do it. I'm stuck in the middle of two decision actually. And being stuck, not able to move anywhere is never a good thing.

I succumb to pressure a lot. By I put up a big smile on my face, but when I'm alone I was the other way round. I am Jekyll to my inside Hyde. It always has been. There was a time I took matters badly, I don't wanna tell you that, but I didn't do it. I don't know what will happen if I did that, but it's not going to be of great outcome.
I'm still struggling. I'm always depress, without anyone's knowledge. But now you know. Whoever read this that is. I make small decision myself, but to make a big decision I don't know how because if I choose to quit, I'll hurt everyone, and if I don't I'll hurt myself even more.

I seriously don't know what to do.

My flight to KL is next Sunday. I'm not thinking of going back.

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