Breakdown

Assalamualaikum and hello!

Well, actually I didn't greet you with happy notes, so try reading that with a little bit of sadness.

Going back to school when I was in primary school was fun. I was kids back then, after the holidays my friends and I were all excited to show off new things, new shoes, new pencil cases, new erasers, a little bit sad that the holidays are over but only for a few minutes! After meeting my friends no more sad feelings we were laughing doing our usual fun stuff, make a few teachers got angry for not finishing homework, so what? As a kid I was a little carefree.

Secondary school was tough for me, it was far from home, I went back only at long holidays, usually twice a year during two semester breaks. I took a year to adjust myself being independent from my parents, it was pretty hard, it was a train-wreck back then. I don't know how to do almost anything, except studying, I don't know how to wash my clothes, I don't know how to comb my hair because back home it was all done by my mother. She comb my hair for God's sake! Only a year later I picked myself up a bit, get steadied and live my life a little. Made a few good friends, and stayed with a few during the weekends and short holidays, it was awesome. And during the holidays, of course after spending a long time away from home, going back to school was not my joyous moment. I don't miss school, but I do miss my friends.

And now university life, I don't know why, but I don't think I'm up for it. I know there are a lot of pressure put on me, a lot of expectation from people around me, and I know I should have set the best example in my family so that my little siblings and cousins can be motivated. but now I'm thinking as if I'm doing this for them and none for myself. The worst thing is, I don't know how to tell them that. How to tell them don't expect too much from me, don't think I succeed in high school and gonna continue to succeed elsewhere. I don't know how to tell them if i hit rock bottom again. I never told them about my first years of high school. I just think that bad news are not worth it to break to them if that would only make them worried. And I always think that they are going to be worried.

Up till now, I don't share much of my problems with them, I only told a few of my friends who would listen. And I don't expect them to understand either, I just need a someone to talk to and then I came back to my usual self. Secretive.

There was a time I have a big dream.

We all have right?

There are things that I was passionate about in the past, that turn out to be a killing machine to me. I wanted to let it go. But I don't know the right way to do it. I'm stuck in the middle of two decision actually. And being stuck, not able to move anywhere is never a good thing.

I succumb to pressure a lot. By I put up a big smile on my face, but when I'm alone I was the other way round. I am Jekyll to my inside Hyde. It always has been. There was a time I took matters badly, I don't wanna tell you that, but I didn't do it. I don't know what will happen if I did that, but it's not going to be of great outcome.

I'm still struggling. I'm always depress, without anyone's knowledge. But now you know. Whoever read this that is. I make small decision myself, but to make a big decision I don't know how because if I choose to quit, I'll hurt everyone, and if I don't I'll hurt myself even more.

I seriously don't know what to do.

My flight to KL is next Sunday. I'm not thinking of going back.