Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Knowing When To Back Off

I talk to a friend of mine. I usually need some comfort from really good friends when I am in my paranoid moment like when my texts doesn't get a reply or when some one bail on me for no apparent reason. It was nothing big, but I guess sometimes I think I just need people to remind me that sometimes I need to back off. I have been backing off all my life I guess, that at certain time that I should have backed off, I didn't. And then I get all panicky.

I know it seems like I have been emotionally unstable of late. I can't say I didn't. Because I am. Why would I lie to myself, telling me I'm good, I'm great when I truly suffer inside. It's just that sometimes it sucks being on the receiving end of empty promises. Vague promises hurts even more. It's a false hope. So I told my friend about my situation and he said to me, 'you should have known better'. I guess I should have. But now I don't know if I ever learn anything.

You might notice that I didn't mention what's the problem is all about. But i guess it's better if you don't know. I'm writing this is merely to outsource my frustration. I can't keep all my feelings inside of me or I might do something stupid. If feel like I have been rambling a lot lately, please bear with me. Thank you.

Sunday, December 23, 2012

The Perks of Being A Wallflower

I have been in many series of anxiety attacks. On my own. They were scary. You can't think straight. Things just felt like they were falling to pieces. All you thoughts jumbled up like tangled threads that you can't seem to solve, and they keep getting worse and worse until you blacked out. It's not that you fainted, it's just that you are so mentally exhausted from all the things that has been happening in your brain.

Like I said, you will never know what will happen during such attacks, you might do crazy stuff, at least I know I do, and this posting is not about me telling what stupid things I did when I had my anxiety attack, but more of a precautionary tale to everyone. I used to let myself go down that path and just breakdown. Although, I picked my time. Especially when no one is around. When I know I am all alone. It's just simpler that way. I just let myself get lost in my messed up thoughts. I cried, I yell, I talk to myself. It's like I was a crazy person. My friends would know me as the happy-go-lucky guy, the small, mischievous kid who likes to make people smile. I guess that's just an alter ego then. Deep down I was messed up.

But after years of panic attacks, I told myself this is not good. I should find some kind of coping mechanism whenever I feel like I am going down that path. I turned to sitcoms. You know, situation comedy shows, like Friends, How I Met Your Mother just to name a few. I have got loads of them in my computer. I just like to laugh it out whenever I feel down.

I know, it is not the best way to deal with my problems. But at least I feel better after that. I do have friends I can talk to, but I prefer that they are here with me so I can tell them face to face. But since they are all faraway, I guess the next best thing would be this. Although, I have started watching sitcoms while they were around, maybe I was just so much reserved about my feelings. I mean, I am not the best person to talk about my feelings, but I can sure write about them. But that doesn't make me feel better. I yearn for someone who I can talk freely too. I know there are my friends out there who can really listen to me and understand what I feel, but I guess it's just hard for me to talk about my private life to them.

I was thinking of a therapist or a shrink, someone you pay to listen to your problem and give their thoughts . But I don't have the resources, nor do we have such a person here in my hometown. So again, you should understand by now why sitcom helps me a bit. Religiously speaking, I know my responsibility and I should pray to Allah in whatever situation I am in. I did, I really did. I may not be a good person, but for all I know, anyone can pray to Him, ask Him, thank Him, whatever. I did.

So that's it. I haven't been writing much lately. I did start another blog. But I don't want to get into that. I finished reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower yesterday and just finished watching the movie just now. The book is awesome, my favourite non-fantasy fiction book so far and undoubtedly my second favourite book, well, 8th favourite book after Harry Potter books. And the movie is great as well. I find the character 'Charlie' so relatable to me. I understand what he felt. What he wants. And what he needs. What he yearns for. He found it. And I hope I do too.

Saturday, December 15, 2012


Every Sunday, Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday I run.I run for my sake. For my health. But I don't run all the way. Most of the time I just walk and soak in the ever changing environment around me. I run on a path less travelled. Somewhere I can find an hour or peace, with a little disturbance from the vehicles, but it is not so bad. The thing is, I love running now. I don't want to miss it ever. I will not go running only when it's raining. Other than that I feel obligated - but good obligation, something that I am happy to do. I feel free.

A lot of things happened to me this year. It is a challenge. It is one of the toughest year. One of the most emotional years I have ever had in my life. I thank Allah that I am still standing, still strong to go through this life. I am grateful for the positive energy running through my veins. I do get down at times, but somehow I manage to grasp the light and keep it close so I won't fall into the bottomless pit of darkness. I am glad for that. It gets me thinking, what would happen if I couldn't see any hope in front of me?

But there is always hope. It's a cliche, but cliche doesn't mean the thing is not true. It just means, it does happen. Hope does exist and I believe in that. I am reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky, it is a great book. One of the greatest book I have ever read, at least to me. I am halfway through reading the book but I can tell you that, it is about personal growth through and through. There are low points in our life, and there are some silver linings.

I may not be studying. I may have dropped out of college, though unofficially yet, I may not be working with big companies and making enough money to support my family. But at least now I am doing something to bring in something. I just wish I found it sooner, so at least I could have bought my brother and my new sister-in-law something as a wedding gift. I'll get them something, for sure. Just not now. 

See, I have a lot of thoughts in my head. And sometimes, I just can't control them as the spiral in my brain and induce stress on me. So, I run. Somehow running clear my head. It's not that I stopped thinking, it's just I can organize my thoughts clearly when I'm running. I don't run from my problem. I just face them while I ran. Two birds, one stone.

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