The Perks of Being A Wallflower

I have been in many series of anxiety attacks. On my own. They were scary. You can't think straight. Things just felt like they were falling to pieces. All you thoughts jumbled up like tangled threads that you can't seem to solve, and they keep getting worse and worse until you blacked out. It's not that you fainted, it's just that you are so mentally exhausted from all the things that has been happening in your brain.

Like I said, you will never know what will happen during such attacks, you might do crazy stuff, at least I know I do, and this posting is not about me telling what stupid things I did when I had my anxiety attack, but more of a precautionary tale to everyone. I used to let myself go down that path and just breakdown. Although, I picked my time. Especially when no one is around. When I know I am all alone. It's just simpler that way. I just let myself get lost in my messed up thoughts. I cried, I yell, I talk to myself. It's like I was a crazy person. My friends would know me as the happy-go-lucky guy, the small, mischievous kid who likes to make people smile. I guess that's just an alter ego then. Deep down I was messed up.

But after years of panic attacks, I told myself this is not good. I should find some kind of coping mechanism whenever I feel like I am going down that path. I turned to sitcoms. You know, situation comedy shows, like Friends, How I Met Your Mother just to name a few. I have got loads of them in my computer. I just like to laugh it out whenever I feel down.

I know, it is not the best way to deal with my problems. But at least I feel better after that. I do have friends I can talk to, but I prefer that they are here with me so I can tell them face to face. But since they are all faraway, I guess the next best thing would be this. Although, I have started watching sitcoms while they were around, maybe I was just so much reserved about my feelings. I mean, I am not the best person to talk about my feelings, but I can sure write about them. But that doesn't make me feel better. I yearn for someone who I can talk freely too. I know there are my friends out there who can really listen to me and understand what I feel, but I guess it's just hard for me to talk about my private life to them.

I was thinking of a therapist or a shrink, someone you pay to listen to your problem and give their thoughts . But I don't have the resources, nor do we have such a person here in my hometown. So again, you should understand by now why sitcom helps me a bit. Religiously speaking, I know my responsibility and I should pray to Allah in whatever situation I am in. I did, I really did. I may not be a good person, but for all I know, anyone can pray to Him, ask Him, thank Him, whatever. I did.

So that's it. I haven't been writing much lately. I did start another blog. But I don't want to get into that. I finished reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower yesterday and just finished watching the movie just now. The book is awesome, my favourite non-fantasy fiction book so far and undoubtedly my second favourite book, well, 8th favourite book after Harry Potter books. And the movie is great as well. I find the character 'Charlie' so relatable to me. I understand what he felt. What he wants. And what he needs. What he yearns for. He found it. And I hope I do too.