Knowing When To Back Off

I talk to a friend of mine. I usually need some comfort from really good friends when I am in my paranoid moment like when my texts doesn't get a reply or when some one bail on me for no apparent reason. It was nothing big, but I guess sometimes I think I just need people to remind me that sometimes I need to back off. I have been backing off all my life I guess, that at certain time that I should have backed off, I didn't. And then I get all panicky.

I know it seems like I have been emotionally unstable of late. I can't say I didn't. Because I am. Why would I lie to myself, telling me I'm good, I'm great when I truly suffer inside. It's just that sometimes it sucks being on the receiving end of empty promises. Vague promises hurts even more. It's a false hope. So I told my friend about my situation and he said to me, 'you should have known better'. I guess I should have. But now I don't know if I ever learn anything.

You might notice that I didn't mention what's the problem is all about. But i guess it's better if you don't know. I'm writing this is merely to outsource my frustration. I can't keep all my feelings inside of me or I might do something stupid. If feel like I have been rambling a lot lately, please bear with me. Thank you.

The Perks of Being A Wallflower

I have been in many series of anxiety attacks. On my own. They were scary. You can't think straight. Things just felt like they were falling to pieces. All you thoughts jumbled up like tangled threads that you can't seem to solve, and they keep getting worse and worse until you blacked out. It's not that you fainted, it's just that you are so mentally exhausted from all the things that has been happening in your brain.

Like I said, you will never know what will happen during such attacks, you might do crazy stuff, at least I know I do, and this posting is not about me telling what stupid things I did when I had my anxiety attack, but more of a precautionary tale to everyone. I used to let myself go down that path and just breakdown. Although, I picked my time. Especially when no one is around. When I know I am all alone. It's just simpler that way. I just let myself get lost in my messed up thoughts. I cried, I yell, I talk to myself. It's like I was a crazy person. My friends would know me as the happy-go-lucky guy, the small, mischievous kid who likes to make people smile. I guess that's just an alter ego then. Deep down I was messed up.

But after years of panic attacks, I told myself this is not good. I should find some kind of coping mechanism whenever I feel like I am going down that path. I turned to sitcoms. You know, situation comedy shows, like Friends, How I Met Your Mother just to name a few. I have got loads of them in my computer. I just like to laugh it out whenever I feel down.

I know, it is not the best way to deal with my problems. But at least I feel better after that. I do have friends I can talk to, but I prefer that they are here with me so I can tell them face to face. But since they are all faraway, I guess the next best thing would be this. Although, I have started watching sitcoms while they were around, maybe I was just so much reserved about my feelings. I mean, I am not the best person to talk about my feelings, but I can sure write about them. But that doesn't make me feel better. I yearn for someone who I can talk freely too. I know there are my friends out there who can really listen to me and understand what I feel, but I guess it's just hard for me to talk about my private life to them.

I was thinking of a therapist or a shrink, someone you pay to listen to your problem and give their thoughts . But I don't have the resources, nor do we have such a person here in my hometown. So again, you should understand by now why sitcom helps me a bit. Religiously speaking, I know my responsibility and I should pray to Allah in whatever situation I am in. I did, I really did. I may not be a good person, but for all I know, anyone can pray to Him, ask Him, thank Him, whatever. I did.

So that's it. I haven't been writing much lately. I did start another blog. But I don't want to get into that. I finished reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower yesterday and just finished watching the movie just now. The book is awesome, my favourite non-fantasy fiction book so far and undoubtedly my second favourite book, well, 8th favourite book after Harry Potter books. And the movie is great as well. I find the character 'Charlie' so relatable to me. I understand what he felt. What he wants. And what he needs. What he yearns for. He found it. And I hope I do too.

Run

Every Sunday, Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday I run.I run for my sake. For my health. But I don't run all the way. Most of the time I just walk and soak in the ever changing environment around me. I run on a path less travelled. Somewhere I can find an hour or peace, with a little disturbance from the vehicles, but it is not so bad. The thing is, I love running now. I don't want to miss it ever. I will not go running only when it's raining. Other than that I feel obligated - but good obligation, something that I am happy to do. I feel free.

A lot of things happened to me this year. It is a challenge. It is one of the toughest year. One of the most emotional years I have ever had in my life. I thank Allah that I am still standing, still strong to go through this life. I am grateful for the positive energy running through my veins. I do get down at times, but somehow I manage to grasp the light and keep it close so I won't fall into the bottomless pit of darkness. I am glad for that. It gets me thinking, what would happen if I couldn't see any hope in front of me?

But there is always hope. It's a cliche, but cliche doesn't mean the thing is not true. It just means, it does happen. Hope does exist and I believe in that. I am reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky, it is a great book. One of the greatest book I have ever read, at least to me. I am halfway through reading the book but I can tell you that, it is about personal growth through and through. There are low points in our life, and there are some silver linings.

I may not be studying. I may have dropped out of college, though unofficially yet, I may not be working with big companies and making enough money to support my family. But at least now I am doing something to bring in something. I just wish I found it sooner, so at least I could have bought my brother and my new sister-in-law something as a wedding gift. I'll get them something, for sure. Just not now. 

See, I have a lot of thoughts in my head. And sometimes, I just can't control them as the spiral in my brain and induce stress on me. So, I run. Somehow running clear my head. It's not that I stopped thinking, it's just I can organize my thoughts clearly when I'm running. I don't run from my problem. I just face them while I ran. Two birds, one stone.

Joining The Army/Navy

Hello guys, Assalamualaikum.

It's been about a week since my brother's marriage. I've got a sister-in-law now, she's cool. The wedding was awesome, the families gathered and it was a fun three days. I got to be my bro best man too. Now he is with his wife in Kuching having some kind of a honeymoon before he departs to Johor this Thursday.

But now that's over.

I've been sending application for jobs from yesterday. I've e-mailed a dozens of request but yet to get their reply. I've been sending application for a writing job, mostly for article writing but by far none have reply back. I was just sending a couple of application to hotels. But still I feel very picky, and at time like this being picky isn't the best thing to be. 

I texted a friend yesterday telling him if everything looks good (health wise) I wanted to join the army or the navy. But he said he thought I've given up studying. But to be honest, I need a job, now that my brother is married he has his own family to take care of so now I am the number two guy in the family after my father. I'm afraid that if I don't get a paying job now, thing might get a little tight. I'm not saying being in the army will guaranteed a nice living, heck, I'm not sure if I can even get in, but at least I can give some back to my family after all I've been through. 

I have wanted to join the army about a year ago. When I was at my aunt's house which is located near to an army base, the army men came to my aunt's shop often to hang out. I chatted with them and one of the guy is my age. He said it was fun. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't peer pressure, but I feel like maybe I can do something for my country, and for myself if I join the military. I'm leaning on towards the navy though. I've got to go on some personal training though the get a few requirements fulfilled to qualify. But that's not the biggest problem. I had to tell my parents about postponing my studies, again, for the third time.

Like my friend suggested, he said I was giving up my studies, but I guess I don't. I mean, you have to practice and study to become and army guy, doesn't that count? I am motivated to join, although I know it that the word 'hard' will be such an understatement for what lies in front if I choose that career path. I'm trying to prepare myself mentally and physically for that. 

I guess that's it for now. 

Hurdles

Baru teringat kisah lama.

When I was 12, sebelum UPSR, cikgu-cikgu pun tengah cari wakil sekolah untuk acara padang. Back then, I was a very active kid. Masa tu, acara 100 meter, sapa yang menang saringan akan masuk akhir berlawan ngan budak-budak dari darjah lain. Aku punyalah berlari sekuat hati bila cikgu jerit 'Mula!'. Aku tak tengok belakang. Menang. But, I wasn't the fastest. One of my friends Zaid is faster than I am. So does E-ein. Aku tak tanya kenapa. Lepas habis, biasalah, diorang berkumpul ngan aku. Aku cakap, 'korang kan lagi laju.' Aku cakap dalam bahasa Melanau lah of course ahaha. Diorang jawab, 'kitorang bagi laluan untuk kau.' As a kid, tak terharu pun, bangga lah menang kot. E-ein cakap diorang lari block jalan orang lain untuk kasi aku menang. Aku rasa dah boleh wakil sekolah.

Cikgu panggil balik. Alang-alang dah laju, boleh join acara hurdles plak.Tapi, larian berhalangan masa tu, kitorang kena lari lompat bangku panjang kat dewan makan. Bukannya halangan macam acara sukan official tu. Aku lari-lari, tengah laju didepan kaki aku berlanggar ngan bangku keras tu. Kawan-kawan perempuan yang don rajin cheer suruh bangun. Tak boleh. Kaki aku sakit sangat. Lebam. Aku cakap, 'tak boleh, tak boleh'. Aku tak rasa diorang dengar. Mata aku dah berair, sakit, malu. Malam tu Zaid ngan E-ein lah tolong aku jalan dari surau asrama ke dewan makan.

And bila aku masuk sekolah menengah, everything changes. Aku masuk SBP di Kuching, diorang masuk sekolam menengah di Mukah. And to be honest, I thought that was a very selfish decision. They are great friends. We're bestfriends. Sekarang kalau jumpa pun, dah tak macam dulu dah. I wish it was like before.

Trip To The Doctor

Hey guy's it's been a while since I updated both my blogs. Mostly because I don't feel like it. But today's the day. Please bear with me just a little longer. ;)

Tomorrow's my trip to the doctor, this time in Sibu which is like 2 hours drive from my hometown. I'll be meeting with ENT (ear, nose and throat) specialist to get my nose checked. A doctor in Mukah, who is also my friend told me interior of my nose is swollen and he thinks I should get that checked out, for precaution. I think my friends in university knows that my nose bled quite often. AHAHA. So yeah, maybe this time I'll know what's wrong with me. :P

But hey, of you're reading this, pray for me. I hope there's nothing serious. 

I'll write more tomorrow.

Bye!

They Are At Firms, I Am At Home

I heard some good news from my friends. They have started their practical training in various landscape architecture firms. Everyone got a firm each which was pretty bad-ass. I should have been there with them, experiencing what it's like to work with real landscape architects, it would have been challenging, but it would have also been fun. I know what my decision's repercussion would be against me, but as I said before, I need a very much needed break. But it doesn't stop me from being jealous of where my friends are at now. A good jealous of course. I can't stop thinking, what if...just what if I don't take a break. What if I plough through the semesters like every other people, what if, I was healthy enough?

I can still remember in my second year, second semester. I was doing fine the first few months, great projects, I was really enthusiastic, but something happened towards the end. I don't want to discuss about it, it was a health issue really, but something happened that made me, kinda lose it. And I remember how hard it was when I was in London for two weeks after that. It was a journey of a lifetime for me, so for that, I plough through. But yeah, it was crazy.

But again, this isn't about me, this is about my friends. My successful friends, my friends who never give up like I did, I really am happy to know that they doing well after I'm gone, I'm glad that they made contact with me sometimes to update with what's going on. I heard what people commented them on, and they were positive comments, so of course I'm very happy for them. I'm feeling like tearing up writing this, seriously! I missed them so much, I feel like I've grown so much after spending a few years with these guys. But I know if I were to go back there, I have to accept the fact that it won't be the same again. We're not in the same class, in the same studio, it's going to be a little bit hard to handle and getting used to new people. 

I'm not really good with new people, but when we were in our first year, we had this part-time lecturer, to me one of the best lecturer we've ever had, although he was doing part-time teaching. He really gathered us together as a family. The first activity we did together was, a short trekking to a small waterfall just behind our university. It was great, it was the moment that I feel like, 'hey, these guys aren't that bad...' And we just clicked.

And the studio, our first studio, it was like home to us all. We've got meeting table, work stations, then pantry plus a place to rest and sleep, and dining table, no, not dining table, a 'bar' we called it. And when we were forced to abandoned that studio for a tutorial room as a studio during second semester, we were at first  mad about it. But since we were like the smallest batch compared to other batches, we understand it, although that took quite a while to sink in.

We've made a lot of memories together, you would understand too if you've gone through university years or college years. If you've created a strong bond with a group of people, it's hard to let go, no matter how long it was. It's been more than year since I've met them. I know I've missed on a lot of things. And I also know I missed them.