Trip To The Doctor

Hey guy's it's been a while since I updated both my blogs. Mostly because I don't feel like it. But today's the day. Please bear with me just a little longer. ;)

Tomorrow's my trip to the doctor, this time in Sibu which is like 2 hours drive from my hometown. I'll be meeting with ENT (ear, nose and throat) specialist to get my nose checked. A doctor in Mukah, who is also my friend told me interior of my nose is swollen and he thinks I should get that checked out, for precaution. I think my friends in university knows that my nose bled quite often. AHAHA. So yeah, maybe this time I'll know what's wrong with me. :P

But hey, of you're reading this, pray for me. I hope there's nothing serious. 

I'll write more tomorrow.

Bye!

What I Miss

Assalamualaikum semua!

Budak-budak UIA dah start kelas dah, seminggu dah kot. Kalau aku cakap aku tak rindu, memang tipu lah sangat. Dulu aku rasa macam akulah yang selalu datang paling awal kat kampus, AHAHA. Yelah, nak pergi sana dari Sarawak kena naik flight all that stuff, boleh tahan lamalah (tapi agak2 orang Kelantan naik bas lagi lama kot). 

Banyak benda yang aku rindu kat sana, terutama kawan-kawan. So kadang-kadang nak lepas rindu tu aku tengok balik gambar kitorang, AHAHA, I know, creepy, but it's the truth. So, ari ni aku nak list apa yang aku rindu tentang UIA.

1) Aku rindu suasana busy di KAED. Walaupun studio tutup pukul 11 setiap hari (kalau tak mintak extend) tapi ramai gak yang cari bilik tutorial untuk buat kerja, kadang kena kongsi, kat gallery lagilah ramai kengkadang...rindu pulak nak tengok budak-budak KAED tengah struggle buat projek..er, design project okay!

2) Aku rindu makanan kat UIA. Aku ni jenis yang boleh kata agak konsisten when it comes to the thing that I like, ataupu dengan perkara yang dah biasa dibuat regularly. Macam dulu masa kat PJ, tiap-tiap malam nak makan chicken chop sambil.....eh, yang tu tak payah cakap, bila kat UIA Gombak, pergi HS order Nasi Goreng Kampung Tak Nak Sayur kat kedai Noodles ape ntah, kalau kat Mahallah Ali beli yogurt ngan yong tau fu, pergi foodcourt KAED beli Nasi Ayam, pergi Farouq, Ayam KFC Cinta atau Daging masak kicap, tambah ngan French Fries, kat Bilal nasi lemak murah, perghh...rindu siottt!

3) Rindu nak berjalan pergi kelas. Sememangnya aku jenis yang jarang bersukan, so macam berjalan tulah aku nye sukan aku boleh buat, sambil nak pergi kelaskan. 

4) Rindu nak pergi berenang. Dulu pergi berenang ngan Akram ngn Kamal. Awal-awal berkecimpung (perghh) ngan berenang ni, malu kot. Nampak semua macam berenang dengan teknik, aku ni orang kampung mana blajar teknik-teknik berenang yang betol, AHAHA, dulu mandi sungai je, dari jeti buat cannonball terus, terapung ke tak lepas tu belakang kira AHAHA. Bila dah belajar sikit-sikit dari Kamal, okaylah...kurang sikit malunya....

5) Pergi 'shopping' di kedai printing dalam UIA. AHAHA. Kalau tak print, pergi sana nak beli ais-krim je pun ngan Akram ngan Anis, ahaha...kalau petang, duduk dekat depan sungai, walaupun kalau tengok air sungai tu lama-lama boleh menurunkan selera makan. AHAHA. Tapi kadang bila dah dekat tarikh submission, boleh tahan ramai yang berbaris nak print, especially kalau print yang besar-besar punya. Nak murah punya pasal, kat luar mahal! 

6) Rindu nak drive kereta Arinah. AHAHA. Yang ni sumpah, aku biasa dengan tanpa segan silunya pinjam kereta Kancil Arinah, tapi buat baik sikitlah, macam, nak beli makanan nanti tolong belikan makanan diorang sekali. Trick ni work very well tengah diorang busy buat drawing, kekekeke. Kadang-kadang mintak drive balik malam-malam kalau rasa malas nak berjalan, yang penting aku drive dulu AHAHA.

7) Rindu nak rasa 'free' setiap kali lepas Solat Jumaat. Sebab lepas tu rasa macam studio dah tak lama dah, and bila lecturer keluar je rasa macam seluruh beban kat bahu dah tak ada, padahal kerja belambak nak kena buat before Isnin ;P.

8) Rindu nak pergi Pasar Malam, walaupun kadang-kadang pergi dengan niat yang tak berapa baik di hati (contoh macam nak usya budak BMI AHAHA) tapi paling penting kena carik cendawan goreng, perghhh! Lepas tu yong tau fu...fullamak, probably berbelanja tahap gaban setiap hari Rabu tu.

9) Mungkin rindu nak eskep kelas? erk!

10) Rindu dengan rasa, tak pernah sunyi. Setiap hari ada je benda. Kalau tak jumpa kawan-kawan studio, jumpa kawan satu Kuliyyah, kalau tak tu, jumpa kawan sekolah dulu, kalau tak tu jugak, jumpa rakan-rakan satu negeri.

Aku memang rindu kan suasana tu. Orang kata, pengalaman tu tak boleh di beli, kita kena lalui baru boleh dapat. Tapi aku tak tau lah boleh pergi ke tak nanti, Aku harap sangat dapat pergi balik sana, walaupun sekejap.

Gejala 'LIKE'

Assalamualaikum semua! Apakah khabar anda hari ni? Harap-harap semua sihat hendaknya. :D So hari ni tengah2 scroll stream kat facebook tu aku terjumpalah sesuatu yang tak sedap aku pandang dari dulu. Aku panggil ni, gejala 'like'. Yes, kenapa 'like' pun boleh jadi gejala macam tak kena pulakkan. Mesti rasa, aku nye facebook, sukati aku lah nak like mana aku nak. Nak 'like' gambar lucah ke, nak 'like' status menarik ke, sukati aku lah! AHAHAHA. Normal, mesti ada yang tak suka ngan apa aku nak post ni. Tapi kalau korang baca dengan hati yang terbuka, mungkin akan paham tujuan post yang ni.

Ni yang aku nampak hari ni, aku malas nak cari yang dulu2, alang2 dah ada didepan mata, ambik segera jadi contoh.

Dah jadi resmi kita, mesti nak share news yang kita tau kan? baik di twitter atau di facebook. Baguslah kalau nah share stories, nothing wrong with that. Bagus kita share berita supaya orang lain tau perkembangan dunia. Jangan asyik2 berita gossip sudah....AHAHAHA...Tapi seperti yang diatas ni, yang kita tau ni adalah sah2 facebook kan, aku nak tanya, is there anything wrong with the picture? Something wrong, ada tak? Tau tak kenapa aku highlight yang 'like' tu. Tau kenapa? 

Kalau tak tau, baca balik apa status yang ditulis oleh tuan punya status ni. Kalau in real life, tengah-tengah korang pergi lepak-lepak kedai kopi terbaca news pasal benda-benda camni lalu dia bagitau korang, 'weh, ada family berlima ni kena bunuh kejam weh.' Apa reaksi korang? Ke korang dengan senang hatinya bagi thumbs-up? Atau korang cakap innalillah...? Mata lagi approprite, thumbs up? Ke 'innalillahi wainna ilaihi raji'un'? Jawab-jawab. Kalau korang bagi thumbs-up lah kan kat aku kalau aku bagitau korang cita macam ni, mesti kena maki ngan aku punyaa...maki elok-elok lah tanpa mencarut (baik ni!) ke kena tumbuk. 

Sebab tu lah aku panggil benda ni gejala 'like'. Nak like semua benda kalau boleh! Baca sekejap, rasa menarik, terus like. Sensitiviti tu ntah kemana. Kalau aku type kat facebook, 'hari ni aku sakit' pastu ramai like. Aku marah, pastu adalah mungkin sorang dua akan kata sakit tu menghapus dosa. Haaaa, niat kau nak like tu tadi takde kan macam tu? Tergamam satu satu. Daripada like status yang tak sepatutnya di 'like' apasalahnya doakan lah aku cepat sembuh kan, cakaplah leklok 'sakit tu menghapus dosa' takyah nak like. Because one thing, it's not funny, another thing, it wasn't suppose to be 'like'd. Sebab tu aku tak tulis status2 camtu kat facebook. I hate it if people klik like on that kinda statuses. 

Yes, orang kata it's my right to click or like anything I want, but we're talking about sensitivity here people. Macam situasi yang aku beri kat atas tu lah. IRL (that's In Real Life) takde kan korang buat camtu? So why the heck would some people 'like' status 'Lima sekeluarga ahli perniagaan dibunuh kejam awal pagi tadi di Sibu, Sarawak', or 'nenek saya baru saya kembali ke rahmatullah' or 'sakit gigi laaaa...' Bagi aku BS semua tu. Kalau korang kawan aku kat facebook mungkin perasan aku jarang tulis status, kat facebook tu tempat aku post gambar sikit but mostly link and nak tengok perkembangan kawan2 je. Aku komen je status diorang but kalau nak buat status sendiri aku pikir2 beribu kali. Aku lagi suka share anything kat twitter, kalo tak, kat blog ni lah. Panjang skit boleh tulis. 

So aku harap kalau korang paham it's not about the right, it's about sensitivity, korang berhati-hatilah kalau nak like status orang tu. Bukan aku sorang je yang komplen tau, ada ramai lagi. Sama ada diorang suarakan atau tidak aku tak taulah. Tapi sekarang aku dah suarakan, mana orang yang nak pakai apa aku cakap alhamdullillah, but kalau korang ada opinion korang sendiri ikutlah. Didn't harm me. Just so you know, when you like 'bad news' statuses, it implies you like it, you like that it occurs, so be careful. Don't abuse the 'like' button.

Going Back To School!

Assalamualaikum! Terima kasih kerana masih sudi datang melawat blog aku yang sederhana saja ni :D. Mana yang baik tu kita ambil, mana yang 'kureng' naiknya tu kita jadikanlah sebagai satu pengajaran betul tak? 

Musim persekolahan semakin dah semakin hampir. Esok, dah sehari lagi sebelum musim persekolahan officially begins. Amacam? Ada yang excited tak? Maybe yang ada adik-adik yang baru first time nak masok zaman persekolahan tu mesti excited adik dia nak masok darjah satu. Aku dulu macam tu, aku call parents aku tanya adik perempuan aku tu camne pergi sekolah, menangis ke tak? AHAHAHAHA tapi nak menangis apanya kan, rumah aku tu sebelah sekolah je. Kalau cikgu kentut aku boleh dengar kot. AHAHAHA. Hiperbola okeh, paham-paham lah sendiri ;P

Lepas tu mungkin ada yang baru start tadika, perghh kalau tadika lagilah parah. Ada anak-anak yang siap lari lagi kejar mak bapak dia..AHAHAHA happens okay, mungkin sampai melekat2 kat kaki mak bapak don't want to let them go. Kalau anak akulah si Farid (yang first, ehem2) buat macam tu kat aku ngan isteri nanti mesti aku sebak, sayang betul anak aku ni kat kami berdua. AHAHA. Tak salah berangan, bukan angan kosong tau! But at some point they have to learn to survive on their own. It's a very important stage in their live, you don't them later on to be feed by you till you're old. You want them to take care of you when you're old.

Ada jugak yang lepas ni akan duduk untuk important exams, UPSR, PMR and SPM. Yes, adik lelaki aku akan duduk UPSR tahun ni, so memandangkan aku ada dirumah dalam masa tu, so insyaAllah aku boleh bantu dia untuk dapat keputusan yang baik. Aku harap2 dia at least dapat masuk MRSM Mukah yang baru tu, Tapi kalau dia dapat keputusan 5A (Ameen....) aku harap dia dapat masuk SBP, paling tidak my alma meter dulu, SMS Kuching. Kalau lagi terer, pergi lah semenanjung ke, where most of the tops schools are. Tapi adik laki aku ni macam liat sikit nak belajar -___- asyik nak main game aje. Kalau cepat belajar takde hallah ni banyak lagi benda tak tau nak main game tak henti-henti! Huh! So bagi budak2 UPSR, PMR, SPM, STPM, STAP and apa2 lagi exam penting, silalah belajar dulu, pulun betul2! Tak lama, setahun tu je pulun bebetul. Menguntungkan tau! Mak bapak pun tumpang bangga kalau korang berjaya.

Hmmmm...zaman aku sekolah dulu....time sekolah rendah dulu boleh kata aku ni popular jugak. AHAHAHA. Anak Tok Penghulu kan (perghh...bapak aku blom berpangkat datuk pun lagi AHAHA). Zaman sekolah rendah antara 'kejahatan' yang aku pernah buat ialah, escape perhimpunan sekali tapi kantoi, tapi acting skill aku dari dulu dah mantop so I pass it as 'kurang sihat' AHAHAHA. Aku ngan beberapa orang kawan aku ni sebenarnya nak try teori 'tak-pergi-perhimpunan-takda-orang-perasan-pun' tapi mungkin ada yang bagitau kot sebab aku kan popular, cikgu tak nampak muka aku mesti diorang 'risau' AHAHAHA. Lepas tu aku penah kurang ajar ngan seorang cikgu Matematik aku ni, punyalah keras kepala aku sampai cikgu tu marah, dia ketuk kepala aku kuat-kuat, blah dari kelas, pastu tak masuk mengajar maybe sampai seminggu. Tak lama lepas tu, cikgu tu pindah. Perghhh, penangan kerasnya kepala aku. Setahun matematik aku teruk, cukup2 sampai UPSR tu barulah elok, mungkin cikgu tu dah maafkan aku ;P. So dapat lah 5A, Alhamdulillah. Probably the sweetest moment in my life sebab jadi the first ever yang dapat 5A kat sekolah after 40 sumthing years back then. Sweet moment nak treasure ye, bukan nak brag. :) 

Bila masuk form 1, mungkin my darkest hour ever. First time berjauhan ngan family. Jauh amat, bukan boleh balik tiap2 minggu. Jauh kot Kuching ngan Mukah.Tapi masuk sekolah menengah aku jadi middle-class citizen je. Tak menonjol dari apa2 bidang. Awal2 tu result memang tak brapa baik tapi naik form 2 and form 3 result jadi semakin baik dan sekali lagi alhamdulillah dapat 8A PMR. Dengan usaha tau! Form 4 and Form 5 pun masih low-profile, struggle nak fit in dengan cool geng, tapi, mungkin aku tak sesuai dengan geng2 yang macam tu. AHAHAHA. And duduk dalam kelas nombor satu dulu is hard work. Semua nak bertanding antara satu sama lain. Sapa dapat highest paper ni paper tu. Aku selalu dapat highest Pendidikan Islam ngan Arab je (zaman baik :D) Upper Secondary tu memang sangat struggle, ten subjects, pure science punya aliran, phewww. Memenatkan! Dari form 4 lagi dah start kelas tambahan, so memang takda 'honeymoon' phase untuk kitorang, and memang cikgu dah bagitau siap2, form 4 is not honeymoon. But among all the subject I dreaded Additional Mathematics the most. AHAHAHA. Memanglah aku risau, abang aku dulu pernah dapat satu markah je untuk Add Maths, lepas tu senior pun cakap mencabar. Perghhh. Lepas tu Physic, lagilah, but on top of that, Sejarah, which prove to be the one subject make me one A short for straight A's in SPM. AHAHA. Yes, SPM aku 9A 1B, B tu Sejarah ;P. Mana taknya, dalam kelas sejarah kalau tak tido, aku sibuk melukis. AHAHAHA.

Itulah kisah aku secara ringkas nya. Terlalu banyak nak cerita sebenarnya. Mungkin lain kali. Tapi untuk semua, selamat kembali ke sekolah, selamat menongkah suasana baru, selamat berjaya dalam peperiksaan!

p/s- But seriously I don't miss school, I miss my friends that's it. ;P I miss my teachers too. But not the school in general, the experience everything. I just miss the people. AHAHA. 

Perangai Mahasiswa

Assalamualaikum. Aku baru tengok video bertajuk 'Detik Cemat Perhimpunan Mahasiswa 1 Januari 2012 di UPSI'. Aku baca dari blog Joegrimjow. Video tu boleh dapat di Youtube (klik sini).  Aku malas nak tunjuk kat sini. Aku tak nak bersedih setiap kali bukak blog. Serius, aku sedih bertambah kecewa dengan sikap segelintir mahasiswa yang beria-ia sangat nak tolak AUKU. Tapi aku pasti, mungkin 80% peratus daripada mereka yang join perhimpunan ni tak tau keseluruhan AUKU. Tau nak tolak yang diorang tak suka ja. Tau2 dah kata AUKU ni zalim. Betul, dalam video tu diorang ada sebut tolak kezaliman. So aku nak tanyalah kat korang2 yang baca blog aku ni. Btol ke AUKU ni zalim? Meh tengok rasional pengenalan AUKU (sebelum nak bantai betul2 AUKU ni) dari salah seorang yang memperkenalkan AUKU kpada kita, tak lain tak bukan, Tun Mahathir (klik je). 

Dah baca? Dah tau kenapa dulu diperkenalkan kepada kita AUKU ni? Kalau dah tu jadi rasional tak mahasiswa2 sekarang nak mintak balik, nak mintak pinda, nak tolah AUKU ni? Dah ada politik universiti, tu pun kadang2 aku dengar sampai get out of hand. Baru politik universiti bai...dah gaduh2 semua. Ni kan nak join politik luar? Nak join BN, nak join PKR. Padahal ramainya yang dapat biasiswa dan pinjam duit PTPTN. Nak sibuk2 berdemo buat hal? Aku yakin ada jalan lagi elok dan munasabah dari berdemo macam tu. Serious. Apa guna ada pertandingan debat antara universiti, pertandingan debat dalam universiti kalau tak dijadikan platform yang lebih sah dan adil dan tak menimbulkan masalah dari diguna? Apa guna kita berforum tak habis2 pasal Palestin bila isu dalam negara kita kurang forumnya? Lepas tu nanti nak salahkan pihak universiti atau kerajaan tak bagi peluang untuk jiwa-jiwa remaja yang kuat memberontak ni untuk menyuarakan pendapat. Dan bila dikasari oleh pihak polis sampai cedera nak salahkan polis pulak? Macam tu? Orang tak suruh berdemo, bila kena kasar sikit, nak salahkan orang lain. Ape cer weh logik mahasiswa tak betul camni?

Betul, at times kita kena fight for our right. Tapi bagi aku isu mahasiswa nak join politik luar ni, tak perlu sebenarnya. Serius tak perlu. Sebab tu orang dulu tak kisah sangat, diorang tau apa lagi penting berbanding orang sekarang. Tapi bila zaman dah jadi moden, semua orang nak bebas berkata, semua nak freedom, freedom memanjang tak abis2, lepas ni nak apa pulak? Freedom dari religion? Nauzubillahi min zaliq. Kita fight for what is important. 

Aku tau sekarang ni orang2 muda ramai yang tak suka kerajaan. Kawan aku pun ramai, aku tak kisah, buat apa aku nak cerita2 ngan diorang kan? Persahabatan tu lagi penting dari isu2 politik. Tapi bila aku tengok balik, orang kata kerajaan ni corrupt, tapi aku tak nampak pun PKR buat yang terbaik. Masih tahi di balas tahi. Kat twitter bukan main banyak lagi kutuk TV3, anjing kerajaan katanya. AHAHAHA. Media2 bertulis yang mainstream ni pun kena tempias macam tu jugak. AHAHA. Bullshit Utama katanya lagi untuk Buletin Utama TV3. Macam ni kah rakyat sekarang? Freedom kan. Nak shitty shitty everything pun tak kisah. 

Seriously, kalau korang ada kawan yang korang tahu tak sama persefahaman politik ngan korang, elakkan berbicara pasal politik, jangan sama sekali. Tak baik untuk persahabatan korang. I don't know why people tend to get so uptight when it comes to politic. So kalau aku nak kata apa bullshit, I think politic fits right. Serious aku tak suka. Tapi topik ni setiap hari setiap saat ada je timbul kat mana2, tak boleh diignore dah. Nak tak nak bacalah. Baca, faham, dan aku tengok dari perspective aku. 

Ni aku dapat dari MalaysiaKini, (klik untuk artikel penuh) katanya; 

"Golongan mahasiswa hari ini lebih rela mengeluarkan RM5 sejam untuk menyewa kereta Kancil untuk membawa teman wanita keluar makan di Sri Hartamas, daripada membeli majalah ilmiah sebagai bahan bacaan tambahan. Kenapa semua ini berlaku? Bukankah ia berpunca dari Auku yang menutup ruang untuk golongan mahasiswa ini berfikir dan bertindak dengan lebih luas lagi?"

Soalan aku, apa kaitan mahasiswa bawak perempuan dating dengan AUKU? Seriously, aku rasa author article ni mungkin ada point lain yang lagi munasabah, terlupa nak include, but this is not one of it. 

Aku teringat dulu, cikgu Add Maths aku ada bagitau, fungsi opposition adalah untuk balance kan balik kerajaan. One side aje memang tak bolehlah kan. Hukum fizik pun ada nyatakan, 'to every action, there is equal and opposite re-action.' Tu Newton's third law of motion. Bukannya fungsi opposition asyik nak condemn semua yang government buat. Yang betul tak nak puji. Yang salah dekeji-keji. Betul, aku ikhlas. Dan kalau korang tanya aku aku sokong siapa. Aku cakap aku sokong kerajaan. Apa aku nak takut kan? Sebab pada aku kerajaan buat yang the best untuk rakyatnya. And kalau anda penyokong opposition, anda mungkin tak setuju. Tapi tidak bersetujulah dengan cara yang elok. Bukan nak keji2 aku sebab aku sokong kerajaan. Respect my views, because I respect yours. 

What I don't agree is how the students react. I think this is too much. I respect your opinion. Sekian. 


[UPDATE] p/s- ni dia link untuk AUKU yang full (pindaan 2006, pindaan 2009 tak dpt full version). korang boleh baca apa yang ada sebenarnya dalam AUKU. Adil ke tak adil pada korang? Lepas tu save dalam laptop. Jangan tak tau apa2 join berdemo sebab nak tolak satu perkara saja dari akta tu. Ni diantara yang telah dipinda dari UTHM. Tapi tak full lah.

What Happen to the Sanctity of Marriage?

Assalamualaikum semua, apa khabar hari ni? Apa plan untuk hari terakhir tahun 2011 masihi? Malam ni nak enjoy countdown? Ke nak pergi sambut secara Islamik dengan acara2 zikir yang turut diadakan di beberapa tempat? Pilih lah ye. Jangan terlalu melampaui batas itu sudah cukup. Jaga adab itu penting. 

Katy Perry ngan ex-hubby Russell Brand

Jadi hari ni dah disahkan Katy Perry dan Russell Brand yang dulu nampak sangat happy dan secocok bersama (sama2 weirdo in a good way! AHAHA) dah file for divorce. Ahhhh... What ever happens to the sanctity of marriage? What does marriage means to these people? They are considered as public figures since mereka ni sentiasa menjadi tumpuan media, ada fanbase yang besar disuluruh dunia. And such stories will be remembered by people. Bukan di Hollywood saja perkahwinan pelakon mahupun penyanyi banyak yang runtuh di tengah jalan, di Malaysia ni pun sama jugak. Berkahwin, bercerai. Memang lah talak itu halal, tapi Allah tak suka talak. 

Apa masalahnya? Apa pulak impaknya kepada orang lain?

Masalah rumahtangga memanglah tak boleh dielakkan. Mungkin dah diulang banyak kali kot dalam mana2 ceramah ke artikel pasal marriage ni, 'sedangkan lidah lagi tergigit, inikan pula suami isteri', lagu P.Ramlee kan? Dari filem apa aku tak ingat. Not a big fan. DUH! But listen to this, kalau kita tergigit lidah sedikit, takkan nak terus potong lidah kan? Same goes to marriage, trouble in the water, sorang2 pun kenalah ada rasa mengalah, kena pandai memujuk, kena ada sikap toleransi. Marriage cannot be just about the looooooove....yes I just typed it like that, but it's about working on a huge commitment. And if you think you're not up for it, learn how to be committed. Dalam Islam kata, si isteri kena dengar cakap suami, isteri yang derhaka takkan cium bau syurga.

Yang malas perlu komited dalam rumahtangga!!

Aku tau, aku belom berkahwin apa semua tu kan. Calon pun, ehem2..... Tanak bagitau yang tu, but my point is, walaupun aku belom berkahwin, tapi at least I understand the responsibility I am going to shoulder if after getting married. I understand what I need to do to make my wife happy, and one of the most important thing i learn, if I can't make myself happy, how can I make my partner-for-life happy? AHAHAHA... So walaupun rasa memang nak kahwin, so kena sabar dulu...hihihi *tersipu-sipu malu*.

Dan tak lama lagi, abang aku akan bernikah... InsyaAllah bulan September nanti, harap2 sebelum aku balik UIA lah...memang plannya begitulah... Kalau tak memang aku tak balik UIA dulu...bukan apa, abang aku ni yang pertama dikalangan kami adik beradik dan cousin2 yang mendirikan rumahtangga. Tau tak dengan sapa? Dengan highschool sweetheart diaa...chewah...lama jugak diorang bertahan. Perempaun tu pulak ada kembar. So I can expect maybe cucu abang aku nanti ada kembar..AHAHA...kalau ada anak kembar lagilah power, merasa jugak dapat anak buah *khayal jap* Tak sabar!! Bakal kakak ipar aku tu nanti baek, perghhh...family aku memang suka kat dia, so I'm happy for my brother. :D

Lepas abang aku bernikah, giliran aku plak...ihihihi *malu-malu kucing*

Oh, dah lari tajuk, sambung sikit pasal masalah rumahtangga... Dah nama pun manusia kan, pelbagai, perangai macam-macam setiap satu. Mungkin siisteri gila shopping, kerja sesuami lah untuk mendisiplin kan isteri untuk berbelanja ikut kepentingan... Kalau sisuami pulak jenis yang panas baran, siisteri pulak jadi penenang keadaan. Macam mana nak buat tu, itu isteri punya hal lah kan? AHAHAH yang penting jangan bertikam lidah. It never never ever solver anything. Tau2 tengah kepala besar masing2 terlontar kata 'talak'. Talak tu main-main atau betul-betul, sah talaknya. Lepas tu menyesal. 

Okay, impak kepada orang lain, aku cerita balik pasal selebriti2 kita yang aku rasa kadang2 macam gila talak je group2 ni, sebab diorang ni sentiasa berada di mata masyarakat, it gives a bad impression about what marriage is all about. lebih2 lagi dengan keadaan kita yang semakin 'modern' ni. Fikiran orang sekarang tak sama dengan fikiran orang dulu. Sekarang ramai orang2 muda ni terlalu liberal, sebab tu lah banyak baby baby yang comel comel semua dan tak bersalah jadi mangsa. Terlalu liberal. Semua fikir kahwin apa guna, mahal2, lepas tu cerai jugak. haaa fikiran macam nilah yang merosakkan minda orang kita, dah jadi macam orang barat. Tak dinafikan ada jugak sikap orang barat yang perlu kita contohi, dan banyak juga yang perlu kita elak. Tapi logik orang kita sekarang ni, 'diorang buat macam tu okay je negara diorang, maju je, kita ni yang ini tak boleh itu tak boleh, tak jugak maju-maju.' Haaaa.... inilah logik yang macam ulat kecil, makan hati kita sikit demi sikit, tanpa kita notice pun.

Lagi satu bagi mereka yang ada anak ni, lagilah bermasalah. Anak-anak 'mangsa' penceraian ni pun boleh scar them for life wooo... Efek psychology dan emotionally tu, kalau diorang ni belum cukup faham lagi tentang situasi 'divorce' ni macam mana, boleh bagi impak negatif kat diorang. Mungkin diorang ni dah tak percaya kepada organisasi perkahwinan ni, lebih2 lagi kalau anak-anak ni tengok dengan mata kepala diorang sendiri mak bapak tengah gaduh2. Tak malu ke mak bapak tu? Kalau aku lah, segan nak mampos sebab bagi contoh yang tak elok depan Farid, Fariz ngn Fariq. Eh? AHAHAHA.

Jangan biar anak depresi disebabkan masalah anda!

Berbalik kepada arits2 ni, semua fikir selebriti2 ni perlu jaga perangai je, tapi bukan itu aja sebenarnya, semua nak kena jaga bila dah bertaraf 'public figure'. Semua benda orang tengok. Alhamdulillah sekarang ni dah banyak jugak artis2 wanita aku tengok bertudung, macam Shiela Rusli, Irma Hasmie, Nora camtu... elok je rupanya, suci, orang tengok pun senang hati. Harap2 lagi banyaklah yang menuju kearah itu. Tapi masalah cerai berai inilah yang buat aku macam...kurang senang sikit. 

Aku tak taulah apa pendapat korang, ni pendapat aku je. Kalau tak setuju sila komen. Peace yoo!!

Rumahtangga itu satu benda yang sweet sangat, bukan couple2 yang sweet eh,  NIKAH itu yang sweet mweet  :P

p/s- aku nak bagi nama anak laki, anak perempuan, isterilah yang bagi okeh? ;P

p/s #2- Kim Kardashian ngn Kris Humphries punya divorce lah yang paling aku tak suka this year. 72 days after that grand, lavish wedding nak 'kalahkan' royal wedding? Blurghhhh... Yes aku memang follow gossip2 jugak. :D harap isteri aku nanti tak kisah AHAHA.

Anda Sensitif?

Assalamualaikum pelakon-pelakon sekalian! Bagaimana watak2 anda hari ni? Baik? Jahat? Sihat? Sakit? Apa2pun semoga korang sihat2 belaka dan ada niat baik hari ni okeh?

Mungkin ada yang tak tau, atau mungkin ada yang dah perasan, aku ni seorang yang sensitif. Sangat2 sensitif, tapi aku boleh kontrol riak muka. Kalau aku sedih, aku suka nak sedih sorang, kalau aku happy barulah aku nak share ngan orang lain. Sebab apa? Aku percaya circle of happiness. Kalau kita happy dan bergaul ngan orang lain, orang lain pun happy jugak. Kalau kita sedih and lepas tu begaul ngan orang, orang lain pun jadi sedih jugak, gloomy terus suasana. Betul. Aku memang macam tu. Aku tunggu orang yang special untuk jadi tempat aku meluah sedih, sebab pada aku dialah nanti akan jadi my very own cheerleader. : )

So tengah scan timeline twitter tadi aku tengok lah tweet sorang sahabat yang nampak macam sedih. Aku pun tanyalah kenapa bersedih. Dia kata aku mungkin tau. Aku cakap aku ikhlas tak tau. Lepas tu I put my detective skills to work. Yes, I got detective skills, belajar dari Sherlock Holmes and Detective Conan okeh. AHAHA. So aku jumpalah yang mungkin menjadi punya dia bersedih. Selepas tu aku bagitau sahabat ni tadi aku mungkin dah tau, and dia komfemkan. Jadi apa kaitan cerita ni dengan sensitif di atas? 

Kadang2 aku rasa bersalah atas sebab yang tak patut. AHAHA macam aku tengok kawan aku ni jarang tegur aku, aku mesti nak fikir, apa yang aku dah buat kat dia? Aku cakap kasar ke? Aku terover joke ke? Aku mesti selalu fikir balik. Tapi bila lepas tu okay balik barulah aku terfikir mungkin aku over-emotion. Nak kata over-reacted aku tak react apa2 pun kan, pikir2 aje. Itulah betapa sensitifnya aku. Lagi-lagilah kalau ditempat awam, macam kenduri-kenduri, expo-expo atau dalam bas ke LRT ke, kalau orang pandang2 aku mesti rasa eh, ada kotoran ke kat muka aku? Ke baju aku koyak? Seluar koyak?? Ada sisa makanan terlekat kat gigi? Ke ada orang tampal 'Look At Me' kat belakang aku ke. AHAHAHA. Memang fikiran aku terus kat situ. Sensitif kan? Sensitif ni bagi aku bukanlah sekadar nak sedih-sedih atau mudah terasa aja. Tapi even the slightest thing can make you happy or sad or confuse or macam2 feeling lagi.

Jadi janganlah kata, bila orang tu sedih sikit terus nak kata, eh sensitifnya kau. Kalau dia jumpa duit sposen kat jalan terus happy tu pun sensitif jugak. AHAHA. Betol ke tak betol?

Ah. Jauh menyimpang. Kembali ke topic yang nak aku cakap sbenanya. Aku dah lama tinggal kan studio. Aku dah nampak diorang happy. Aku belom nampak lagi diorang sedih-sedih. Jadi bila dapat tau ada something wrong, aku pun fikir, alamak, salah aku ke semua ni? Jangan tanya kenapa, aku memang macam tu!! Aku ingat dulu, kitorg ada sesi luah perasaan memasing. Sebab bilangan kitorang dulu paling sikit kalau nak dibandingkan dengan tahun-tahun lain. Sipi2 je 20 orang lebih. Lepas tu sorang-sorang tinggalkan group, termasuklah aku, Tapi bagi aku, kami tetap kuat walau macam mana pun. Dululah, masa aku ada ngan diorang. Ni aku tak ada, aku memang tak taulah. Aku kalau mesej kawan2 pun tanya pasal projek diorang, bukan tanya gossip2 hangat studio, itu aku taknak tau lah. Tapi bila dapat tau, aku mesti nak salahkan diri aku dulu. Agak2 perangai macam tu betul? Ke nak salahkan orang lain dulu baru salahkan diri sendiri?

Tapi apa-apapun, semua masalah ada penyelesaiannya. Aku tau, semua kat studio baik-baik belaka. Yang tak baik tolak tepi. Aku doakan diorang yang terbaik, sebab aku dengar diorang memang yang terbaik dah. Sampai final year student pun disuruh untuk tengok kerja-kerja diorang sebagai 'benchmark', dari practitioner lagi tu. Aku tumpang bangga je. Aku tak buat apa-apa pun kan? AHAHAHA...

Till next time peeps!

p/s- tajuk khutbah tadi pasal istiqomah...buat sikit tapi berterusan, itu Allah suka. InsyaAllah aku nak kembali tulis sikit-sikit kat blog ni, dah lama gak menyepi... And kalau diberi kudrat, nak 'revamp' sikit, nak kasi power sikit setiap entri. Bukan apa, blog aku ni agak menyedihkan buat masa ni, sorang dua orang tiga orang je yang baca sehari, kadang-kadang takde orang pun. AHAHA. So, doakan2lah eh! Assalamualaikum!

Random Stuff

Assalamualaikum...you know, aku try blaja sorang2 macam nak nak buat template blog aku so that it will look even more personal, even more, me. But well, it's kinda hard... Not that I'm giving up, but I think maybe for this kinda thing, I need external help, from people who are very familiar with codes and stuff. What do I know? I know how to write normal stuff and that's it. So, today I tried the new design settings by blogger, I found out it's quite interesting, and a little easier than before, thank God. But it doesn't mean I be a slacker, I want and I will find someone who can teach me how to write my own codes for this thing. It's kinda annoying and trust me, I'm a little bit jealous with people who knows their way around this stuff!

Okeh, despite aku dah boleh dikatakan 'cuti lama' tapi aku rasa macam masih belom cukup produktif lagi ngan 'projek' yang aku tengah usahakan...dateline dah makin dekat, so it really is a rush now! If I don't hurry up, and don't produce as much as I should have, this will all be a total waste. I know something at the back of my mind is holding me back, but that's not just another excuse I should make. But really, if I can find out about this thing at the back of my head, made it clear for me, than I think that would ease things up a bit, whatever the outcome may be. I made a few contacts with my friends for enquiries, and I hope that will help me a little. In case you're figuring what is it, well, I'm not gonna tell you yet until I can confirm it. After that, I will tell you everything. So best pray for things to run smoothly for me, I'm just doing things that I am suppose to do. :)

You know I love you guys. Goodnight!

Microblogging

Assalamualaikum....di kala rajin nak update blog ni, baik aku update... Kesian gak blog ni, macam, hidup segan, mati tak mahu, AHAHAHA... Mungkin satu sebab the rise of microblogging, especially Twitter, yes, I mostly update stuff on Twitter because one, I can send update via sms by phone, no internet excess needed and probably two; audience lagi ramai disana... I mean, I have not very much info to share, this blog is mostly personal stuff so it gets kinda boring right? AHAHAHA *apalah kutuk blog sendiri -__-"*

Setiap kali janji nak update blog regularly, setiap kali tu lah takkan ditepati janji tu, so now I know not to make such promise, so maybe kalau ada nak feel or bagi opinion yang panjang lebar berjela-jela, I'll wrote it here because Twitter allows 140 characters only, and no one really clicks on twitlonger links (I believe so! sebab aku pun malas nak klik link2 tu ahahaha) So if you guys got a Twitter account, look me up @azamofficial, yep, that's me....DP sentiasa berubah but that tweethandle won't change for a long time....

If I haven't lost any readers yet, I would like to thank you for sticking up for me all this time. I thank you for spending a little time to read my not so informative blog, but I'll try to look for some quality reading for you and I both. That's not a promise though! AHAHA

Jiwa Sentimental Tengok Kawan-Kawan Happy

Assalamualaikum... So today aku dapat lihat wajah-wajah ceria bekas (yes, bekas) budak studio aku dulu yang baru habis internal portfolio hari ni, maybe ada lagi satu external kot lpas ni aku tak tau laa.. Sebak rasa tengok diorang semua happy happy nampaknya AHAHAHA, kalau sebak tu, dah tentu sebabnya rasa rindu... Diorg ni, bukan mcm classmate biasa, diorang ni studiomates, and sepanjang dua tahun bersama diorang, dah rasa macam satu family...bagi aku lah...tengok2 gambar dalam facebook oleh Ika tadi tu, menitik plak air mata, sayu siott...jantan memang jantan, tapi hati aku taklah sekeras batu, aku memang sangat menilai sentimental value sesuatu tu...so bila tengok gambar diorang, aku ingat masa aku bersama diorang, aku ingat semasa aku berada dalam gambar bersama diorang...

Kalau aku kembali pun ke UIA tahun depan, yang pastinya aku bukan lagi satu studio ngan diorang, things will be different, memang rasa a little bit childish yang aku macam tak bleh nak comprehend the thoughts of not being with them... Aku dah rasa for more than six months tak bersama diorang, and it's not pretty. It's not my intention just to leave them like that, but it's very circumstantial. Nanti2lah explain part tu. And most probably I will not be back to UIA. I'll explain that later too.

Anyway, kalau ada diantara diorang yang baca ni, harap2 ada, macam Fatin ngan Ika yang ada blog tu, aku harap diorang baca, just nak bagi tau, I'm so proud of you guys, broke my heart to leave you guys, I really wanted to be a part of Studio Kecil back, but I don't know if I ever could. Aku just nak bagitau, aku tak pernah lupa korang, aku memang rindu korang sangat2, aku serius bila aku cakap aku menangis tengok gambar yang Ika post tu. And I hope that says something. :)

Inilah diorang2 yang selalu menceriakan hidup aku kat UIA dulu

In The Name Of Freedom (or so they say)

We all have to agree that, for the past few years we have seen quite a number of changes happening around us. Whether it's political or not is a different issue, but the main thing is, 'changes' or as our Prime Minister repeatedly said, 'Transformation'. Well, not many people like the words nowadays, but it is happening in front of our very eyes. Yes we denied it. We have seen Bersih and Bersih 2.0, where people gathered in yellow to prove a point, to make a statement. I don't deny it's a good effort, it shows Malaysian is no longer clueless of what's happening, they find the need of freedom to speak their mind in different kind of media. It's really great, it really is. We have seen it in other countries, but now we have seen it in our country.

People, not only Malaysian, but people of the world need freedom. We have read history, time and time again there will be someone stepping out from the crowd, fighting for what they believe. Now we see it here, in Malaysia. And the latest issue, the 'Seksualiti Merdeka' event that will be held on November 9 to 13. The question is, should or, should not the event be held despite the controversy that made headlines and news?

This is my view:

I will start with the reality. All over the world, Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender (LGBT) group aren't very well accepted in the society. They were the queer, they were the different, they were the black sheep of the community. This is true. Even in a freer country like America, there is still bullies and discrimination happening towards this group of people. But of course, compared to Malaysia, they're a lot more tolerated, and a lot more 'mainstream' than our country. Some of them were tortured and teased, until some of this people, especially kids and teenagers chose to end their lives. It's a reality.

And next 'what do people think of these LGBT group?' I've read many articles regarding this stuff, watched interviews on TV and videos from the internet. Some people thought this kind if act isn't suppose to exist. People hate them because they're different. While some hate, some do support them. They said these people need to be stood up for, someone has to back them up, someone need to support their decision, someone need to accept them the way they are. In Malaysia, the last time this group wasn't suppose to exist. We can't deny they don't exist, but at least they were discreet enough to keep it at the low. But now we have seen the movement to make it out there. They want people to accept them as who they are, they want to get out of the closet freely without worry. What do you think about them? Do you think it is wise to truly admit you want to be with someone of the same sex? That's on you.

Now we move to, is it relevant in Malaysia, where majority of people is Islam, the official religion is Islam, for us to have this kind of activity. We all know in Islam, intimate relationship with the same sex is a sin. We have been taught through the story of the prophets, particularly Prophet Hud and his people, the Sodom, having relationship with what we knew today as Gay and Lesbian, including his own family, and how Allah punished them by flipping over their land which now we knew as the 'Dead Sea'. Does this story did not convey any message? Or are we ignoring it? If this event evokes anger in a lot of people, brought more hate than the original intention of making people accept them, should it still be allowed? What if the majority of people did not want this event to be continued and the minority still wants the event to go on, what happen to democracy? Is it fair if many oppose, a few support but still 'Seksualiti Merdeka' goes on, is it fair?

Now I share with you my personal view on this; I don't think 'Seksualiti Merdeka' should go on. It is not because I'm a homophobes, it is not because the majority of people did not support it so I want to join the majority group, no. 'Seksualiti Merdeka' is irrelevant in Malaysia to me. You know why;

1. The term used, 'Seksualiti Merdeka' or 'Freedom of Sexuality' give people the idea of a 'free sex party' as we heard in the news. Don't blame the news if they reported it that way because it sounded like one. A little discreet program name would probably be more tolerable, and remember, I said 'probably';

2. some people label LGBT group as the new 'religion', and they say no. But the fact that the program is organized make it a religious issue. Don't say we're not a Islamic country (remember Islam is only our country official religion, if we're an Islamic country, our laws will be according to Islamic Law too), we're free to do this kind of thing. This is not a loophole people. It's the issue of morality as well; and,

3. it is most probably harmful. Despite the good intention of the organizer to educate people, and to give them awareness about the LGBT group, I fear it brings more hate than love. I personally don't discriminate these people, but who knows what others will do. It might as well tore families apart, just to name a few.

I have more to say;

Celebrities have a lot of influence to people, because they are the spokesperson, they are the role model, because the are in the public eyes all the time. We knew Elton John is gay, married to a man even, we knew that Lady Gaga is a big supported of this group, and that 'Born This Way' is the anthem to this group. Well, if you're born this way, as a man, it is only natural to you to be attracted to a woman, and vice versa, and transgender, you're born as man you want to be a woman, that's not born this way, baby. Again, I'm making a point, I'm not a homophobes. Just a person tired of listening to people talking about rights, and this, and that, what's wrong, what's right.

I had my say.

Peace!

Home

I can't think of anywhere else; 'Home by Westlife'

Another summer day,
Has come and gone away,
In Paris and Rome,
I want to go home,
Mmmmmm
Maybe surrounded by,
A million people I,
Still feel all alone,
I just want to go home,
Oh I miss you, You know,
And I've been keeping all the letters,
That I wrote to you,
Each one a line or two,
I'm fine baby how are you,
Well I would send them but,
I know it's that it's just not enough,
The words were cold and flat,
And you deserve more, Than that,


Another aeroplane,
Another sunny place,
I'm lucky, I know,
But I want to go home,
I've got to go home,
Let me go home
I'm just to far,
From where you are,
I've got to come home,
Let me come home,
I've had my run,
Baby I'm done,
I want to come home,

And I feel just like,
I'm living,
Someone else's life,
It's like i just stepped outside,
When everything was going right,
And I no just why you could not come along with me,
'Cause this was not your dream,
But you always believed in me,

another winter day,
Has come and gone away,
In either Paris and Rome,
And I Want To Go Home,
I miss you, You know,

Let me go home,
I've had my run,
Baby I'm done,
I want to go home,
Let me go home,
It'll all be alright,
I'll be home tonight,
I'm coming back home.

from: http://www.sing365.com/music/lyric.nsf/Home-lyrics-Westlife/5476412277BD0C7948256DCD002BFC24

Undisclosed 2.0

Where ever I am,

This is not a place I wanted to be at,

I want to go home,

There's only one home.

Undisclosed

I have to prove to myself I'm capable of living alone.

Where I am of what I do is not important. I might not be back to a place I once love, but now a place I want to stay away from. I missed my friends, of course I am, but I wont blame them if they didn't consider me as one back. I wronged them so much. But there will be a day I'll find all of them, and tell them how sorry I am.

This is for now.

But you can find me on twitter.

Woo

I think I've said it many times here lately that, I have no intention of coming back to UIA. But still, I'm going away today, to Bintulu, and tomorrow to KL.

There are two reasons why I don't want to get on that flight tomorrow;

1) I really don't wanna go; and

2) It's 9/11 (read it the American way), you know, I'm WORRIED, extra extra worried.

So here's my version of Britney's 'I Wanna Go', with a little alteration

'I..I..Don't Wanna Go...ooo...All The Way...eeee...'

Chow

Different Sign

So today was kind of, interesting.

I won't say I don't believe in signs, some signs that only you could understand, something that makes you come to realization of a decision you want to make, something that make you ponder about other options before you make a decision. Let me make it simple, you want to drink something and couldn't figure out what, and there suddenly Coca-Cola ads came out and you know you want it, get it?

Well, today I think I've got that kind of 'sign'.

What happened?

My teacher, who happened to be my distant relative, has a husband who runs a plant nursery. So he got a job to do at MRSM Mukah. Usually his work were mostly planting trees, but the MRSM asked him to design a little green area in front of the school's entrance. He admitted designing wasn't his area of expertise, so after a lot of thinking, he arrived at one thing, ME. So my teacher came to me this morning asking if I want to do the job, I'm thinking I have two days before going to Bintulu, and later to KL, so why not, she said it wasn't that big so I said yes. You see the sign now (If you hadn't go back to my previous posts please)?

Of course I'd say yes, it was an opportunity I or anybody wouldn't want to miss, especially a landscape architecture student like me (ehem-ehem!). And I'll get paid too, so naturally I thought this is probably a one-time opportunity for me to, showcase my talent! AHAHAHA I'm not saying I'm excellent at it! Don't get me wrong.

In previous post I told you I've been thinking about quitting school and go work instead (because my big plans need a little start-up money, not that it needs much, but still...). So my option was to quit school, or to continue school. And as I weigh in my options, this kind of thing happened, out of nowhere. Just days before I might finally said to my parents 'I gave up doing this'.

I'm not saying that I'm 100% is going to stay in school because of this, but it made me stop and to weigh in more on the staying options. I want to say I had enough, but now I really don't know. It's not like I've made a concrete decision or anything, but this kind of thing sure makes the see-saw hang in balance, neither sides is up or down. No one wins, it's a tie. And this tied decision is NOT GOOD.

I know at the back of my mind, I already what's my decision is, but I can't make this decision alone. But the thing that holds me back now is, 'how are my parents going to react to what I have to say?' At this point, ignorance isn't as bliss, now I fear of what I don't know, fear of the endless possibilities there are.

So what now?

Crossroads

There was a poem I studied in secondary school, about the two roads to choose from. I can't remember the title of that poem.

I am at the crossroads of my life. There are options I have to choose from, one of the options would be my final decision. It's always hard to make a big decision in life, especially for yourself. But what kind of situation it is differs. A woman might find it easier to say 'Yes' to a proposal while another woman might hesitated. A guy might find it easier to move to another place for a job offer while another guy had to turn it down because he find it hard to move some place new, no matter how cool the job is.

And for me, it is all about my study. To continue, or to not continue it.

Why?

I am always passionate of the world of design, architecture and arts. Passionate to look at the architectural style of a building, I'm always intrigue by artistic expressions on canvas and other artworks, and I love to draw buildings, people, and sometimes fashion. I am passionate of that. But to me, it was relatively new. I didn't fall in love with architecture until I finish SPM, before the results were out that is. I have another passion I kept to myself, which is writing.

There are times in our lives we didn't realize what we're capable of. I was in a science school, I was taught to focus more on science subjects like physics, biology, and chemistry and also mathematics. Thank god I was doing exceptionally well in that field. I thought writing was mere hobby back then. I keep a journal as one of the English task, I wrote almost everything in it, my dreams, my experience. And I also read a lot, which really helped me to improve my English writing skills, speaking not so much though.

When I was 13, I wrote a novel which was actually meant to be read solely by myself because it was loosely written based on a true event about me. It was love triangle story I wrote in Malay. It was my first 'novel'. I wrote it in a large exercise books, of thirteen chapters if I'm not mistaken. I lost the book. And naturally people read it, I don't know how many people but I know there are a few of my seniors read that (because they found the book lying around in the cafeteria).

And time after time I wrote short stories, join a few competition in school (one time I got third place) and wrote a little more for myself (and obviously leaked again, found by a teacher). I didn't stop there though, I wrote outlines of novels I wanna write. And I've read a few Harry Potter books which inspires me a lot to write. But still, at that time I never thought to pursue a career in that direction, never did I thought of wanting to be a writer. At my graduation, I was proud to say I'm going to be a film director. Funny how thing goes, really.

And now I'm actually considering to be one, but I don't have any English diploma or degree to back me up.

VS

I want to think writing is natural to me.

If this is my calling, then this is what I want to do. And I feel that, this is my true calling.

And that makes a reason to choose between to continue studying landscape architecture, or to not study landscape architecture. I don't want to be in the institution anymore, that's all I know. If I pick to continue, I will be affected, but others would still be pleasant. If I pick not to, I'll be happy, but I don't think the others would (the others here means my family and friends).

Seriously, I'm picking 'not to'.

I've ask a few friends about it. They wanted me to tell my parents the truth, of what I've been thinking.

I really wanted to do that, and really quick.

That will determine whether I'm boarding the plane this Sunday, or not.

I am at the crossroads of my life.

Breakdown

Assalamualaikum and hello!

Well, actually I didn't greet you with happy notes, so try reading that with a little bit of sadness.

Going back to school when I was in primary school was fun. I was kids back then, after the holidays my friends and I were all excited to show off new things, new shoes, new pencil cases, new erasers, a little bit sad that the holidays are over but only for a few minutes! After meeting my friends no more sad feelings we were laughing doing our usual fun stuff, make a few teachers got angry for not finishing homework, so what? As a kid I was a little carefree.

Secondary school was tough for me, it was far from home, I went back only at long holidays, usually twice a year during two semester breaks. I took a year to adjust myself being independent from my parents, it was pretty hard, it was a train-wreck back then. I don't know how to do almost anything, except studying, I don't know how to wash my clothes, I don't know how to comb my hair because back home it was all done by my mother. She comb my hair for God's sake! Only a year later I picked myself up a bit, get steadied and live my life a little. Made a few good friends, and stayed with a few during the weekends and short holidays, it was awesome. And during the holidays, of course after spending a long time away from home, going back to school was not my joyous moment. I don't miss school, but I do miss my friends.

And now university life, I don't know why, but I don't think I'm up for it. I know there are a lot of pressure put on me, a lot of expectation from people around me, and I know I should have set the best example in my family so that my little siblings and cousins can be motivated. but now I'm thinking as if I'm doing this for them and none for myself. The worst thing is, I don't know how to tell them that. How to tell them don't expect too much from me, don't think I succeed in high school and gonna continue to succeed elsewhere. I don't know how to tell them if i hit rock bottom again. I never told them about my first years of high school. I just think that bad news are not worth it to break to them if that would only make them worried. And I always think that they are going to be worried.

Up till now, I don't share much of my problems with them, I only told a few of my friends who would listen. And I don't expect them to understand either, I just need a someone to talk to and then I came back to my usual self. Secretive.

There was a time I have a big dream.

We all have right?

There are things that I was passionate about in the past, that turn out to be a killing machine to me. I wanted to let it go. But I don't know the right way to do it. I'm stuck in the middle of two decision actually. And being stuck, not able to move anywhere is never a good thing.

I succumb to pressure a lot. By I put up a big smile on my face, but when I'm alone I was the other way round. I am Jekyll to my inside Hyde. It always has been. There was a time I took matters badly, I don't wanna tell you that, but I didn't do it. I don't know what will happen if I did that, but it's not going to be of great outcome.

I'm still struggling. I'm always depress, without anyone's knowledge. But now you know. Whoever read this that is. I make small decision myself, but to make a big decision I don't know how because if I choose to quit, I'll hurt everyone, and if I don't I'll hurt myself even more.

I seriously don't know what to do.

My flight to KL is next Sunday. I'm not thinking of going back.

Green-eyed Monster

It is often happen that, your friend did much better than you are, and you felt jealous bout it. There is nothing wrong though about being jealous, as long as you have full control over that feeling. Jealous can be very helpful sometimes, but without control, jealous can be dangerous. It leads you to envy(hasad). How is jealous ever be good for you? Here's how. When you saw your friend did well, be it in drawings, designing, running, acting, in academic whatsoever, you should use your jealousy as a catalyst for yourself to improve, to be up to your friend's level or better than he or she is. So, no worries about being jealous. It's natural, and it's harmless when you know exactly how to deal with it.

The next question is, how can jealousy be dangerous? First, when you see your best friend got number one in class, you were number two. You got beaten by him or her. You feel like you're no longer the best, you wanted to always be on top but he or she beat you. You are jealous of him, now getting all the congratulations and praises. Then you hated them, you don't want to be friend with them, you spread words around, like they cheated in exams. What become of you two then? Enemy?

Some says jealousy are hard to conquer, it really depends on you yourself, how to evaluate it. If you mean 'conquer' by suppressing the feeling itself(which to me is very impossible), then yes it is hard. But if you mean 'conquer' by controlling it wisely, then it is not hard at all. The important key is you value others more than yourself, but at the same time, you evaluate yourself on what need to be improve.

My friend is a better designer than I am, a better student, good at drawings, and colouring. Am I jealous? Yes I am jealous of what he's capable of. But it doesn't mean that I'm gonna struck a knife down his throat or spread lies or ignore him for the rest of my life. It actually help me to be a better person. I learn from him as at some part he learns from me. Do you know a jealous person is called by Shakespeare a 'green-eyed monster'? Do you want to be a green-eyed monster? Value your relationship with others, and that will help you get through jealousy. And in the end, you like being jealous, you like to compete in a healthy race with your friends, or others surrounding you. :D

p/s-I joke with my friend if I'm jealous. It's a good thing though, for as much as all the crappy things I said to him, I'm actually proud of him. :D

No Reason To Be Quiet About It

It's been a while since my last post. Have been busy lately. With busy scheduled, every second counts. Every second wasted feels like losing a dime. Imagine wasting an hour for nothing worth it? Aiya~

Today morning was supposed to be presentation day, but most of us didn't finish our work. What's the problem really? Is it time? Too little time, or too much time wasted? Or is it just us, being lazy? Oh man, at one point I'm a bit frustrated of myself. This has been trending in our studio. I cannot blame my friends. I cannot blame the lecturers. I see all of them work really hard on this project, but there must be some thing missing that made us really really slow worker. Maybe it's true what our studio master said;

'I see you work hard, but you didn't work smart'

And just how the h**l is working smart?

I was so psyched earlier this semester, my intention was to break the walls in front of me, to reclaim back pointers I'd lose. I want to put up a fight for what's good for me. But it's like one thing after another. Last year, studio feels like home, it's a really inspiring place to be, seeing friends really drilling on the drafting table pouring their thoughts into the design. If last year we had a very good time, knowing each other better through times we spend all day and night in the studio, this year it's gone. The studio is locked from 11 pm until morning, and even weekend if you don't get the official permission(and that is through submitting forms, my God!).

I wont blame this either, but I think at some point, mutual understanding is important among students and the officers. Students(especially design students) need a proper place to do their work(drafting etc.) that is the studio. And if we ever need to get back to the mahallah(or hostel, in case you don't have a clue) at 11 every night, do consider supplying each and one of us a drafting table in our room for a change. I'm not saying that this is a major problem, but this is indeed a distraction. Just imagine when you were so caught up doing your work and all of a sudden some one switch off the lights, how do you feel? Feel good? Definitely not.

I heard this matter was already taken to the higher level in the faculty, but then shut. I don't know why. I guess we need to be more persuasive. Mutual understanding. For whatever reason they come up with this ruling, I hope it is not from general conclusion from the behavior of one or two students(i.e. one students sleeps in the studio, then all studio got shut).

When there are a lot of work to be done, with studio locked, this happens. Troubling isn't it?